+ Beauty lies within the imperfections +

2006-08-02T22:55:00.000+08:00

That fleeting feeling of unimportance. What I said, what I didn't say.. what I did.. and what I didn't do USED to matter. Now, ignoring has been so easy. Apathy and indifference have become these sick, sad habits. But I am left with nothing but silence... because it's not like I can do anything about it. Open my mouth, complications will arise. Keep silent, and who knows..maybe someone.. or maybe even You would notice.

Unless, maybe that's the point. Maybe I'm supposed to feel that little by little, my significance in your life/lives is slowly diminishing..until I'll become some Another Used to Be.

Such purpose I have yet to fathom and discover.

2006-07-31T17:22:00.000+08:00

Today, I felt how bad it was to be alone (literally, and figuratively). Damn. I'm tired of this.

Wish I could rewind everything back to summer, where a real smile could actually be seen on my face.

2006-07-26T23:16:00.000+08:00

...and yet you still continue to make my day... =)

sucky writing. but i need releasing.

2006-07-24T00:40:00.000+08:00

I honestly don't know what to write. It's been a couple of nights now that I've been loggin in my Blogger account, and I'd end up staring at the screen, until i end up going offline again.

Life has been too strange and surreal for me, as if I'm watching myself in this pathetically directed movie. Last night I spent at least 2 hours crying over well.. everything. It seems pretty stupid really, but with the help of some cheerful freshies and super special friends, nothing stopped me from smiling despite the runny nose (which became a barado nose after 30 mins.) and puffy-eyes (which I'd like to call Eye Luggages instead of Eye Bags).

I can't find words to explain how tough it is for me, except to say that "yea, it is difficult"..having to keep on smiling in school because duh, I can't just keep on moping around right.
Rain's pouring down hard, and I feel cold.. the hairs on my arms and legs are standing. Gosh.. I wish he were here or at least I could hear his voice again. What I hate the most is the fact that I'd have to wake up everyday, not looking forward to mornings anymore. Life is bittersweet. It's just so bittersweet.
The only upside to him not texting anymore is the fact that my cellphone's battery lasts longer during the day. But hey, I'd trade any lowbatt incidents for him and me to go back to texting nonstop again. (Oh crap. the mushiness. I hate.)
Too many cluttered and random thoughts, my english teacher would probably think I should have been in Basic instead of Regular english (although I've always aspired to be a Merit).
Three words I loathe? : I. Miss. Everything. Great. Now I'm really screwed. Spare me.

2006-07-15T22:41:00.000+08:00

Tears reluctantly streaming down my face..

sleepless nights, got nowhere to go.

heck, what is right, I don't know.

Forcefully convincing myself to concentrate.

To believe to accept.. but You I still cannot hate.

rain on me

2006-07-13T00:23:00.000+08:00

Today's weather was very very much apt. Went to Starbucks to study, drove home with a troubled mind.

~This is easy as lovers go, so don't complicate it by hestitating...~

2006-07-11T16:15:00.000+08:00

It has been the longest time since I've written something here. I've decided to change blogs, but I find myself going back to where I've started.. to where my life really started. Looking back at everything that has been posted here, more or less my life has been bombarded with a lot of hardships and heartaches, and yet again, it has gone back to the way it has been.

My last post here was March 13th, after which everything just went haywire. My mom had her operation for her breast cancer (but she's okay now), I suffered from another regretful hardship during summer, but eventually, things fell into place. My life was finally going back to the way it was: perfectly normal, colorful, yet not much of a handful. Even though there were others who tried to make moves, I regretfully declined, and found myself being contented in being single. I even passed the TNT auditions and the NSOD interviews. I could finally say that I was completely happy, and I couldn't ask for more.

Even my faith in God gained a newfound strength. My ultimate prayer was that give me the one during the right time, when my life is fixed, and when I'm finally contented with everything. It's too idealistic, I know, but that's just exactly what I want and what I feel is right.

Life does has its way of catching up with you.. especially when you least expect it, and unfortunately, when you least need it. May was indeed a very eventful month, for I found myself feeling something that I haven't felt in about a year: a feeling of readiness and a sense of completion. So I thought it was the answer to my prayer.

People might think I got into things too fast, but I personally didn't care. For once I was doing something not because people expected it from me, but because my heart felt that I was doing the right thing. I completely followed my gut and my heart, still allowed my brain to work as well, but it felt great doing what I really wanted.

A week of bliss, and it was cut short. Complications arose, but inspite of those, I still found myself looking forward to something each morning. I smiled even though the problem was eating me up inside, because I knew, it was worse not being with the person than being with that person with so much difficulty.

It all boiled down to a dreadful Thursday evening just a couple of nights ago. We both reached our saturation points and found it best to stay away from each other. I felt that I wasn't enough anymore, and that my feelings have finally grown into something quite regretfully, unstoppable - and the sad part of it all? I think he realized that he never wanted this in the first place.

Seeing him in school is hard, especially when you've gotten used to the good morning messages each day, telling you to take care driving and don't forget to eat lunch. Now I'm back to having a messageless phone, and a quiet evening, with no one to say good night to.

It's funny how something so short, could bring so much memories. It is true what Rich has always told me: it's not about the quantity. What matters is the quality of everything. It's just that my ideals and principles were already set into place, because I knew he was (and still is, I don't know) worth it.. a great catch I might add - someone who's very hard to find these days. I know he is a rare find, and no matter how hard I try to find ways to hate him to make things easier for me, it sucks that I can't find any way. Sure I've been an expert cursing all those who've given me heartaches and whatnots, and I found it easy to click the delete button on my phone. This one's regretfully quite different. The pictures are still there.. the messages.. everything, and I know I should be listening to my friends when they tell me to just erase everything to make things easier. I know I'm not supposed to hold on anymore, because obviously, he isn't. Everything was just a bittersweet ending..and until now, my confusion has never left me. I'm back in the stage where I would just like to detach myself from everyone - A pathetic loner in search for inner peace.

I'm no stranger in this kind of situation, but it never is true that it gets easier as you move on.. I beg to differ. It actually feels worse.. because you get the feeling that you should've been smarter, and that you should've known what to do.. but you end up taking those risks even if you know that you'll be getting hurt in the end. I promised myself I'd be smarter this time, because heck, I've been through A LOT.. and you guys know that. I guess this is the curse of being a risk-taker.. you get to grab those moments, but in the end, you get burnt.

I never thought I would find the will to write again. Everything has just been falling out of place. My stupid driving skills have taken its toll on me, I didn't pass CADS even though I knew I did well yesterday (makes me think I'm some talentless person.. just like when I didn't pass amp last year :)) ), and that sappy thursday night which seems like a dream to me.

My jaw has been tired of smiling all the time here at home and in school.. and I honestly have to say that it hasn't been easy for me, dealing with all these things. I just hope I get right back on track SOON.. I hated the feeling of being in this state from August of last year until April of this year. I guess my actions have been indeed too fickle and too impulsive (but I've been so tired of being too good and right and organized :)) ), and now the consequences are biting me right in the ass. I guess I just have to move on, start another chapter in my life, and see what life has in store for me. After all, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

Top ten signs in order to know if you're living a pathetic life :D

2006-03-13T19:15:00.000+08:00

Here are my top ten signs in order to know if you're a pathetic person. ;) -- this I did out of boredom

1. You hang out in school everyday - alone. As in without fail, 24/7 you're alone. You go home, you're alone. You're simply alone everytime, that the only word you've memorized is the word: alone.

-2. You stay up until 2 in the morning or so, waiting for your crush/ that person you've been eyeing in school to message you and go online.

a. She/He goes online, but doesn't say hi to you AND/OR

b. She/He doesn't go online at all

-3. You accidentally leave your phone at home. When you get back, you don't receive any messages at all. This goes on for days.

-4. Continuation of number 3 - you forward funny quotes/messages to several people, but none of the recipients reply. Not even a "ha-ha". No ounce of reaction. Just simply NONE

-5. You drop hints in your status message in YM just to grab people's attention. Unfortunately, no one seems to notice, or take the hint. (then go back to number 2)

-6. You study for hours for an exam, then the result is still a big, round egg. (either you're plain pathetic, or you're just really unlucky. Poor You.)

-7. You write journal entries like these, with the hopes of people commenting on it.

-8. Continuation of number 7 - your consecutive entries remain uncommented, which means there's a 90% chance that no one's reading your blog anymore *snigger*

-9. You accidentally leave your wallet at home, and discover that you only have 20 bucks left for school money.

-10.In relation to numbers 3 and 4 - with the desperate hopes of hearing your Message Alert Tone "ring" (since you miss it so much because no one's been texting you lately), you check your phone balance instead, so at least, a message still comes in.

------If ever you guys have experienced more than 1 number, don't be afraid to text me.. we could hang out, and let us eradicate the patheticness in our lives! :D

of rants.. and more rants

2006-02-27T17:10:00.000+08:00

Blogger just erased my previous post, which sends my anger a few notches higher. But being the stupidly patient person that I am, I shall try my best to recover the same thoughts that I had 10 minutes ago. *blood boiling*

There are a lot of things that I wish I were, or I wish I could do. For instance, I wish I were one of those hot women, who, when they grace the sidewalks with their presence, will receive nothing but those "you-can-look-but-you-can't-touch" type of oggling from the tambay people. I wish I were one of those hot women who strut their stuff in school, that when they pass by the SEC walkway, people who sit down on the benches literally stop talking for 5 seconds just to get a good look at the personified beings of those models you see in magazines. How could one be so well-endowed with grace, beauty, and perfection? Their skin like porcelain, paired with those legs, so long that even the longest skirt can seem like the shortest one ever made. Their beauty is so effortless, that mediocre human beings such as myself start to question why life can be so unfair, for here I am almost 20 pounds underweight, with skin not even close to being porcelain-like, and with legs so thin, that one might think her waistline is so big because it's almost the same size as my legs.

I wish I were better in Math (or in other fields for that matter: like debate). Among my friends, there's always a 60% chance that I get the lowest grade, while when I was back in high school, people looked up to me because they thought I was some smart-ass student. Now I am so mediocre, that sometimes, being an Atenean has been a hell of a lot more pressure than I thought it would be.

I wish I were more eloquent and wittier when I write. I know I may not be the best writer here, but I try my best. I know most of the time I don't make any sense, for I just blurb out everything that my mind has to blurb.

I know I may not be perfect. I may never be one of those girls who, when you place inside a room full of people, will be noticed by one of the model-like creatures inside the same room. I know I may never gain enough weight in order to look normal (believe me, it gets tiring when people tell you how skinny you are EVERYDAY). I know my skin will never be smooth enough to stop needing any form of dermatologist's medication (I bet my derma's getting richer because of me). I know I may never be good enough, the way that my friends are.. for.. I am just simply me. I may never be "hot".. I may never be noticeable.. I may just be invisible. I know, my hypocrite self is showing again.. my blog name's not even close to how I see myself, for sometimes it just gets tiring seeing perfection passing me by too fast, that I may never get to get a good hold on it.

Oh.. and you know what my best selfish wish is? Is that I wish I'd stop ranting about how pathetic my life can get :)) Hey, being optimistic has its limits too. I guess these are just one of those days that I fail to see the beauty of what my life has to offer, and what it has offered.

The skinny girl, signing off.. off to get some food. -- vain attempt to gain more weight :D

my 200th entry

2006-02-26T22:53:00.000+08:00

Someone once told me that time heals all wounds, and that time will help one get over someone completely. After 3 years of being exposed to such things, it was just now that I realized that it is utterly impossible to completely to do so.

As a "celebration" for my 200th entry, this is the great realization that hits me: there are a lot of things that I haven't gotten over. I feel as if I feel obliged to do so, because the people around me expect me to - well in fact, I shouldn't even care about what others think.

A concrete example of such emotion: Kim's rehearsal debut was held at Celebrity, and we (Yas, Angel, Kim, and I) ate dinner at that same restaurant where I spent my last monthsary dinner with him. Yes, going back to that place caused me to struggle. I tried so hard to dodge and avoid the different places we walked through; unfortunately, we had to pass by the places where we walked on. Great. Just splendid.

This specific experience is a concretization of what I meant by my first paragraph. I don't think people can actually completely get over someone. This certain love for a person will always be there. I think it's more of acceptance, rather than "getting over". People mistake "getting over" for the fact that no memories of the person come back whatsoever - I think this is the silly excuse of people who don't even have the slightest idea if they're "over" that special someone or not. It's really more of accepting the reality that something so beautiful is just not meant to be. I know I've accepted things as they are, but forgetting is a craft that I may never get to master. I know I will always remember. I know I will always think about it once in a while, even if sadly, he doesn't anymore.

*Not to worry, I'm happy with the way things are ;)

___________________________________________________________________

Funny how life has this strange capability of turning your world upside down.. how it throws unexpected moments to startle you with the fact that your existence is and can be smeared by many different things that you don't expect to happen. Lately I just realized that some of the feelings I have for certain people (or a certain someone? hmm take a guess instead ;) ) haven't really disappeared completely, and yes, I know I ran away from a lot of them.. so now, they're doing a pretty good job at hunting me down with the past. Sometimes I just wish I was incapable of human emotions - it's easier that way sometimes :))

___________________________________________________________________

My life has turned into a somewhat pretzel-shaped thingy. It tastes good, but its shape makes it hard to eat sometimes = exactly how my life is. It has its high points, it has its low points.. but whatever life has to offer me, I'm just hoping I'll be prepared for it, armed with the new things that I've learned from my past mistakes.. I just hope this time, I won't make the same mistakes again.

waiting

2006-02-18T17:38:00.000+08:00

Yesterday's feeling was hellish. I got dismissed from my Zoology class at 3 (after the frog dissection, which was hellish as well), and for two hours, I stayed in school, all alone with no one to talk to. Yes, it sounds so loser-ish, but that's how I spent my afternoon. I was supposed to watch Missy's play, but then it turns out, tickets ran out, and I had no choice but to watch it on the 3rd of March instead. I was so anxious to go home, as I waited for my mom or my sister to text me that they're about to leave the house. To my dismay, apparently, they haven't been checking their phones, and they ended up leaving the house at 5:30.

I tried my best to be patient. I sat down along SEC walkway, praying for a friend to pass by.. unfortunately, everyone else of course had other friends of their own, so I had myself for company instead. I went to the library, checked my email, but then DSL was so fast, that I was finished before I knew it. I found myself slowly walking back to the walkway, trying my best to buy some time. I ended up going to Seattle's, where thankfully, Tim and Maam Ycel accompanied my lonely self.

It was really saddening.. those 2 hours I spent without anyone replying to my messages.. without anyone to talk to.. made me think how alone I can be at times. Why can't I be like other people.. that they have friends they can text and they'll be instantly there for them - to the rescue. Or those people whom you can just bother out of the blue, and perfectly, they'll be there to pick you up just in time because they were in the area. That time, I wanted so much to have someone like that - someone who can just save me from looking stupid amidst all those people who were laughing with their friends. Those two hours almost made me cry.. the phone call of my mom telling me that they haven't left the house yet almost sent tears to my eyes. I felt like those little pre-school kids who cry when their moms or dads haven't picked them up yet from school. From being 18, I felt like I was back to being 5.

It's funny how someone so "old" can feel so young and small at the same time. That's exactly how I felt. Yesterday's feeling was depressing. After seeing that frog being butchered until it took its last breath, I felt as if I was the one sedated by the formaline. I felt paralyzed as I waited for a message to come, telling me that the car's almost there. I felt as if the world suddenly became too big for me, and I was dead smack right in the middle of it. So many people passing by, some I even knew, but didn't bother to say hello.

One Tree Hill was right.. 6 billion lives.. 6 billion souls.. but sometimes, all you need is One - that one person who can just be there for you, without any questions asked.. I'm still waiting for that someone, someone who'd paint my own version of a fairytale :)

fiction.. or something like it.

2006-02-14T23:10:00.000+08:00

Transifixed

She was.. as her eyes read the message. "Will you linger?", she thought, as she lay down, thinking if he spoke of the truth. The darkness engulfed her doubtful mind, as she pulled up the sheets until her head was covered, devoid of light and air. She breathed underneath the sheets, while thinking deeply. She shut her eyes, but images of him would flash instantly. She grabs her phone, reread all the messages, trying so hard to tell herself that it happened. "Let's have coffee some time", it read. Three months with no signs of him, until he finally surprises her with that message. She breathed heavily, "this cannot be real". But it was. But she knew it was a lie.
Waited

She did, as the days passed by. No word from him, no sign of him. She knew it was the same as before. "Why does this happen to me all the time? Am I not worth it?" The disappointment engulfs her. She opens her computer, and his face flashes right before her very eyes. *click* the mouse went, and her heart broke once more. *I knew he has someone. So much better than me. How can I match up.* It was a lie. The coffee was bull. "You're cute" was bull. "I don't have a girl right now" was definitely bull.

Confused

She was, as she looked back at what happened before.. what he said.. what she thought.. what she hoped for. She screamed inside, knowing that nobody could hear her. She closed her eyes, and prayed that everything was a dream. Unfortunately: it wasn't. Reality bites. Love hurts. Saying goodbye was tough.

.......

2006-02-14T22:02:00.000+08:00

And there goes my birthday, happening as if it were some unrecognizable blur. It went along, with the usual greetings (surprisingly at least more than 40 people greeted me. :) Thank You :) ), freebies from Seattle's Best and Kenny Rogers :), and much much more surprising turnouts. I suddenly realized how fast time flies, and how much I have to work on, for I know this time, I should really act like an adult.

Today is National Hearts Day, also known as Valentine's Day. Yes, I can say I am a little bit bitter, seeing all those couplets parading around school with bouquets of flowers and i-am-so-inlove smiles plastered on their faces. Oh and those people who walked around with their hands clasped together! Hehe. I am happy for them, but I guess people do reach that stage in their lives, when they just feel that certain amount of emptiness, that even friends, nor the family, cannot fill.

Yes, I do feel this unexplainable void in my heart. Every night before I turn in, I always ask myself what the reason is.. unfortunately, all the night can offer is silence.
Lately, I've been talking to someone.. someone who hasn't been around for months, and again, decided to make a "come back". I wanted to give it a chance, make a friendship out of it, unfortunately, my feelings for this certain person were never flushed out, and I am again, finding myself on the brink of hoping. But there's the stoplight, relentlessly flashing that RED light on my face. I checked his friendster, and realized that he has a girl, who is undeniably beautiful, I might add. I never realized it, because lately, he's been asking me to have coffee with him. I guess.. it's just coffee for him. Bottomline is, I don't think I would want to communicate with him any time soon.

Sometimes I feel lost.. lost in this whirl of doubt and disbelief. Yes, I am starting to feel alone.. starting to feel that this black hole inside me is starting to grow in size. Eeck. It's a void that's getting bigger. I just hope that I'll realize one day, that I should wait a little bit longer.

What a way to start my 18th year. My mom's getting an operation tomorrow, and I'm scared. I can imagine the hospital bed, with all those knives and anaesthesia surrounding her body. I just hope she'll be fine tomorrow. I just hope that I soon realize what has been bothering me.. and what has been making me feel so empty.

Today

2006-01-31T16:23:00.000+08:00

Today, I realized that there are some things in life that you have to learn to let go.. that there are some instances in your life when you just have to learn to stop or to give up on. It doesn't mean you're a quitter, but sometimes, certain circumstances just tell you to accept things as they are.

Like for example, when you feel stupid because of something that you're doing, and what you do doesn't seem to be noticed - Sometimes instances such as these could be signs of you to just drop it and give up. Lately I've been feeling this way, and apparently, I think it's a good time for me to stop exerting some effort.

This time, I'll let God do the rest. There's nothing much I could do really, for I know somehow I've done my best - but my best still seems to go unnoticed.

oh no!

2006-01-29T20:15:00.000+08:00

Oh no I think I'm transparent after all :)) oh nooooOooOooooooOOooOoOoOOoooooo.. :))

to my dear old self (oh no, i'm not psychotic okay :D)

2006-01-26T20:56:00.000+08:00

Dear Elise,

Quit the drama. Turn on the lights. It's high time for you to pull yourself back together. Concentrate on the good side of life. Enough crying. A lot of people care about you, even me, your Sanity and Conscience. I know we haven't been talking lately, but I want you to know that I'm here for you, and that your friends are still here for you. Never a day has passed without me thinking about what will become of you, and what has happened to you. You are a terrific person, and no one (I MEAN NO ONE! :D) can EVER EVER EVER make you feel inferior without your consent. To hell with those people who take you for granted; who think that just because you're some nice girl, they can easily manipulate you and hurt you. You are strong. Everyone who cares about you is right about you. Your first boyfriend never underestimated you. Your family never has. Your friends never will.

Be happy. Enjoy life, and don't forget to smile. It's really important to smile. Even when the going gets tough (say, when Sucky Math Midterm bites you hard), the tough gets going! Study! There's nothing wrong with "careering" your studies. It's just right. But don't forget to not put too much pressure on yourself, for lately, you've been doing that. Just be steady. 50-50 on everything. 50% happy and complacent, 50% your old over-analyzing self. Just. Be. Steady.
Never ever think that you're invisible, because people do see you. Maybe they're just not vocal about it, but they do. You just don't know it. Learn to stop eating your words and pieces of advice, because what you actually tell your friends is right -So Follow It.
Don't forget to pray, because God is still there for you. You perfectly know that He is. Every night before you sprawl and lie down on your bed, I know you pray deep down inside. Continue that. Never ever forget God's presence.
And your family. They're always there for you, and sometimes, whether you'd like to admit it or not, you fail to recognize their presence. Whatever happens, you can always turn to them. They're your home. They're your loves. They're God's best gift to you :)
Oh and your friends - those wonderful people who try their best to cheer you up. Give them some credit. They have been doing a pretty good job at it :)
And yourself. Learn to love it a little more. Give yourself some credit. You know you've been doing your best. Don't be too insecure, yet don't be too proud. Don't be too pressured by having high grades, yet don't be too complacent either. Just learn to enjoy what you have right now, but at the same time, never let fear get the best of you. Continue to open your doors to possibilities. You never know what life can throw at you. And remember: Contentment is the best road to happiness. :)
And me? Your sensible self? I'm just here to remind you, never to bother you. You know I'm real. You know I'm worth listening to. I'm here just in case you need someone to knock some sense into you ;)
Sounding ridiculously insane,
Elise
Okay you might think I'm some weird psycho :)) But I wrote this letter for myself because I know lately I've been forgetting a lot of stuff. This is what I love about the night - I get to reflect and ponder about things by myself. No nagging mothers. No screaming neighbors. Just me, myself, and I in front of my computer (writing it down manually is much much more taxing :)) ). I just figured these are the things I fail to do or actually listen to, but I know these are the things that are best for me. I do hope I get to fulfill all these :) So much easier said than done, but I should still try. Take it one day at a time.

......

2006-01-24T20:03:00.000+08:00

For the second time around, I find myself staring at stupid white sheets of bond paper bearing that hideous letter F. I failed my Math midterm.. by 3 points. 3 POINTS. 3 friggin points. 3 pathetic measly points. I failed it. And none of my friends did. I failed it. I failed myself. I disappointed myself again. I feel so inadequate, so mentally-incapable of performing well in math. I felt stupid. I wanted to crumple all my papers awhile ago. I tried so hard not to let the tears fall. I didn't want anyone to know I failed. I. Felt. Stupid.

I know.. Math isn't the most important thing in life, and that there's more to life than getting good grades. But when you see your friends excelling in something except for you, certainly even a small fraction of you would feel insecure. For once, I just wanted to be part of the people who don't fail. I'm tired of that. My first two long tests were fine, but my midterm.. God that midterm. That midterm that cost me hours of studying and worrying..that midterm that made me cry. I officially dislike Math. Dislike is even an understatement. Can loathe be appropriate?

I miss being called smart. I miss the feeling when people would see you as an intellectual person. After studying in Ateneo for seven months now, I've started doubting whether or not I am actually deserving, or smart enough for that matter, to study in this university. I just miss excelling. I miss the Old Me.

I feel dumb. I. Seriously. Do.

misplaced fragments of a broken heart

2006-01-22T22:02:00.000+08:00

Mixed emotions poison my heart. Thursday evening was a lie. My heart nervously beat inside my chest, as that text message popped up on my phone. My mind instantly knew it was going to be him. True enough, my mind was correct. We talked. Those three hours seemed like an eternity. Those three hours made me feel that happiness, which I thought I won't be able to feel again. But as I put the phone down, left with that memory of him telling me how much he missed me, and that he had to see me the next day, an undoubtedly strong feeling of uneasiness bothered me, until I slept.

I woke up the next day, feeling half happy and half anxious. I told my mom about what happened. She smiled as I relayed everything. I smiled too, but my smile didn't reach my ears. I knew something bad was going to happen. Stupid me. I didn't listen to myself.

I waited for his message the whole day. As expected, it never came. I walked around school, half wishing my instinct was right, half of me praying so hard it wasn't. My eyes would just stare at random things as I spaced out, wondering if his message would come. PE finished (heck that one mile run exhausted all my strength. My legs were about to give way, as every stride became torture), Zoology passed, and sadly, he didn't text. I knew he'd forget. I just didn't want to believe myself.

I gave up. I ended up texting him.. true enough he forgot. He still ended up visiting me in school, but no matter how hard I tried to show him that I still felt something for him, I stood there, feeling rejected. We'd walk. Our hands would touch..but he never touched back. I had no idea it was going to be a difficult meeting for me. I thought everything would be different this time. Our fingers would softly bump into each other.. but nonetheless.. He never did anything.

The day ended with tears that I had to fight back until I was safely inside my car. I couldn't talk to anyone. I'd dodge my mom's sympathizing look as I walked back into my room. My bed was my sanctuary. My pillows became my friends' shoulders, as my tears relentlessly flowed onto them. How could he be so insensitive? How could he be so cold? I just wanted to forget everything..forget so that any love I felt for him would disappear. But God knows I can't forget.. I just stayed on my bed.. sprawled like a poor kid who bruised her knee.. I was bruised.. Unfortunately, it was my heart who took the fall.

I ate dinner with tremendous effort. Every gulp of water became pain, as moments of us being together earlier that day flashed back in my mind. I hated it. I hated him. I hated myself.

The next day, I felt better. I managed to smile. But then, he had to text me, asking for my friend's number. I gripped my phone hard, as my breathing started to go faster. How could he? So finally, I gathered up my guts and told him off. I do hope he got the message this time, for he never replied again.

Parting is such sweet sorrow. I never wanted to end things with him that way. I never wanted to see myself cry again because of him. For two years, he was the person I really loved.. he was the person I first loved. And now, I know I may never talk to him again. It was hard to let him go, knowing we had great memories together. We laughed a lot.. We cried together.. and this time, we got angry together. I never took a picture of him while we were together during friday..because I knew that was the last time I was gonna see him.. and I didn't want to remember his face..his brown shirt..his red cap he wore backwards.. and those black chucks he wore.. God.. I still remember everything.

Now.. I am left with nothing but memories of him. After two years of waiting, I finally got to hold his hand..but it was cold - sadly cold. I guess this is how God wanted us to be.. He wanted to show me that love is never enough. He wanted to show me that we were never meant to be together. He wanted to show me that I am better off without him.

I guess it's high time for me to focus on loving myself first, and pulling myself back together. NO, I am not closing my doors, but fear? No doubt, it's going to be there, but I am willing to take chances with other people (whom I can see myself with, of course).

I hate saying goodbye..even if I know it's all for the best. I never want to let go of people I love.. I never want to lose anyone again. First my dad, then him. I hate it. I want him back.. but I know it's not for the best, and it won't do me any good. At least finally I got to tell him everything I feel, even if it was a big irony, for I got to tell him everything just when I was saying goodbye. Love? yes, it was definitely there. Regret? Not really. That last day of being with him, January 20th.. is definitely a day I will never, ever forget. Goodbye.

torture

2006-01-21T19:30:00.000+08:00

I don't know if there's something wrong with me. I don't know if I'm just insanely stupid to allow even an ounce of hope to enter my heart. You hurt me. For four times already. You made me cry like no one else could. How could I have been so stupid to fall for you again? I should have realized it long before you stormed back into my life that I am worth nothing to you. Why did you even text me? Why did you have to call and tell me you missed me so much? I hate you, and I hate myself for loving you. This time, I do hope I'm smart enough to know that YOU WERE NEVER WORTH IT.

oh shallow me :)

2006-01-17T19:39:00.000+08:00

I am once again in that stage where my shallowness is sooo UP there :)) It's been a while since I felt my smile plastered on my face just because I saw that certain someone in school. Heck. Why does God have to introduce me to another OK guy? :-/ Oh well.. It's another one of those crushes that I know, will sooner or later, falter away. But egads! He's just soo.. *sigh*.. :))

Sunday evening, I wasn't able to sleep at all. I wanted so much to perfect my English first draft, that I actually forgot to keep track of time. The night swallowed me whole. I don't think trying to sleep from 5:15 am - 6:15 am can be actually classified as real sleep. I found myself lying down at Let's Face It's waiting area, while waiting for Kim to be finished with her facial. After those two minutes of lying down, invisible hands were pressing my eyelids down. And alas, my real sleep: an hour of embarrassment, and occasional arm twitching (oh great, hope no one saw that). After that, we walked back to Starbucks.. I felt like I had a hangover of some sort (haha beats drinking!). But it felt good having at least an hour's sleep. I knew not sleeping was actually worth it.. At least I was contented and happy with my work. But note to self: next time, I will not do this anymore. Zoology period seemed like an eternity, while reminiscing about how good it felt to sleep on my bed.
___________________________________________________________
In a span of a week or so, a lot has happened already. I've only been back in school for at least 2 weeks, but it feels like such a long time. There have been occurrences of stolen smiles, plastered smiles, stalker modes (ohgod.. I bought a Donut just to see someone. Like..how desperate can I get :)) ), and occasional stolen glances *evil laugh*. But don't worry.. I still make it a point that I prioritize my studies first. Lately I think I've been putting too much pressure on myself. I think I've been on Career Mode for too long, but hopefully it's not a bad thing. It actually feels good, having things accomplished, and being happy with accomplishing them on time. I just hope my Advisory Marks (and midterm grades) will tell me that I've been a good student. I so deserve it :D haha..
___________________________________________________________
Hopefully tomorrow till be a good day. Hopefully I'll be able to steal a glance from someone. Hopefully tomorrow will be worth it.. Coz today was not even close to being one. :(

tired of saying goodbye

2006-01-12T01:38:00.000+08:00

Tears grace my eyes once more, as I realize now how some people in my life have said goodbye.. have forgotten me.. and how they have stopped needing me. I used to put smiles on their faces.. I used to be the one they'd first call up when something's wrong.I had no idea it was possible. It doesn't matter now if it's my fault, or that person's fault. What matters is that it actually hurts, knowing you were once an important part of their life.. and now.. you're just a mere person who simply passed by theirs.

Why does goodbye have to be so constant?
The night shows the true colors that daylight may never reveal.

Alone

2006-01-12T01:15:00.000+08:00

As the hour hand starts to move uncontrollably.. closer, and closer, until the night falls, and the darkness swallows the light, I cringe. I swallow reluctantly, not seemingly eager to find out that the night has fallen, and people would be slowly turning in. I will be left alone once more..with nothing left but the sight of I'm on SMS people in my messenger.

I blink. I wonder. Who else could be up at this time of hour?

A name pops out of my messenger, telling me that person's online. Yay! I say.. But I check, and it's another I'm on SMS patrolling before my eyes. Disappointment engulfs me.

It's 12:56 in the morning. Thursday began 56 minutes ago. Here I am alone, studying my butt off for some math long test that I'm afraid of failing. Symbolic logic.. Who needs it? It's nothing but another of my university's excuse to make us feel how difficult college life can be.. and how irrelevant some things [that are taught] can get. (I'm a comm major - one of my primary reasons of signing up for this course was to avoid math. Comm and Math just don't mix. )

2 minutes have elapsed as I start to think what else to type here. Yes, I am taking a break. Looking at these handouts staring back at me is mentally-straining. I want to keep on studying without the breaks, but I can't help it. Everyone is asleep.. all are done with what they have to do.. and here I am.. awake while everyone else is dreaming.

Wide awake I am, for I slept a few hours ago.. Yes :) I slept on that comfortable sofa that I'd love to arbor as my bed in the future. Sadly, one and a half hours were the only time I was given to rest. It was crunch time for me once more. (ohmygosh I sound so poetic. ech.haha)

It's 1:01 am. I've tried my best to paint this mental image in your head to make you see and feel how alone I must feel right now :)) Pathetic, I know.. but the silence of the post-midnight hours are actually the most serene and the most comforting. The only light left to fill this house of ours is the light that's right above me. I can hear my bed calling out to me: Elise, gah.. get your butt over here now. Kamown! Sprawl here naaaaa. (yes, if my bed could talk, most likely, it'll talk like me - babaeng bakla-esque. nice noh?) But I can't. I know I can't. I have to study for this stinkin' long test so I could finally prove to myself that I am not as stupid as I think; so I could finally prove to myself that what my friends tell me are actually factual, and are not based on biases.

3 minutes have elapsed, and I wrote a paragraph. A paragraph in 3 minutes. I don't know if that's a good rate, or if it's a slow one. Nevertheless, I know my mind processes very quickly -- sadly, it doesn't process that quickly when it can hear/see the word MATH. Slap me some english or lit or filipino stuff, I'd quickly digest it. Unfortunately, Math just isn't my thing.. nor it is my forte whatsoever.

I shall try to focus now. Try to believe that I may actually do this, despite the fact that I am the only one left awake. These are the moments when I feel alone: 1:00 in the morning, got no one special to wonder if you're still awake, and to stay up with you to help keep your sanity in shipshape.. And you're only left with the memory of him calling out your name twice, smiling back at you, making you feel like the mere sound of his voice was the only thing that could make you smile all day.

God's Best Part II (human timezones)

2006-01-09T19:02:00.000+08:00

The chances of me, finding my God's Best during my college years is a million-to-one. I thought before, that among the gazillion guys that roamed around Ateneo, there would at least be one guy for me. My freshman year is nearing its end (ohnoooooooo!), and I thought before, it would be easy for me to find a suitable gent. Unfortunately, the I thought in everything that I've been saying, simply concretizes the fact that it is not easy to find someone.

Which now concludes as to why I am patiently waiting for God's Best. Lately, I've been talking to some friends about their lovelives, and I realized how lucky they are to find someone extremely suitable for them. For every word, and every sentence that they tell me about their "girl", I can easily breathe in the love that they have for each other. I know I experienced that kind of love for someone already, unfortunately, it wasn't thoroughly reciprocated.

I marvel at how they talk about them.. about how they make it seem how perfectly they match, in spite of the imperfections they both have. It's a fulfilling feeling actually, being able to be their shock/love/frustration-absorbers, but there's a catch for this: it actually tempts me to start wondering where my god's best is (oohh you stupid detouring-lost-man). I can't help but feel a tad bit jealous sometimes, coz I just can't imagine how God has made them (my lucky friends) find each other at such an early age. But then again, I guess, we really do have different time zones in this planet.

Which leads me to thinking that maybe we have "human timezones". Maybe God alotted a specific time for us (me and my oh-so-detouring-lost-man-to-be) to meet. Maybe it is true that there's such a thing as "soulmates". Maybe now, really just isn't the time for me. Proof of such claim? Let's see:

The guys I've been meeting lately haven't been the types which I would call my type.
My first relationship didn't work and last. at all.
There are others who are willing to give me the love that I deserve, but I know deep in my heart that I do not deserve the love they are willing to give. (Ihatethis). I may only offer friendship for now.
The guy I meet is finally okay! Problem? It's either he has a girlfriend, or he's just simply gay.. or kinda not the best person to talk to at times for that matter.
I am still afraid.

The last one scares me (isn't it funny: the fact that I'm afraid, makes me afraid). Whenever the promise of something real arises, I back out. I freeze. I hurt that person. Whenever I see the promise of something real, a little voice inside my head stops me from enjoying the moment.. and true enough: it doesn't work out. Maybe I was stupid to believe that being seventeen makes it apt for me to meet my god's best. Maybe I thought that if my friends could find their soulmates now, I could also do the same. Maybe I thought it could be easy. Maybe I thought it's my time.

I was apparently hallucinating. Come on Elise, be practical. After all that's been happening, how could you still believe that you can find someone now? All the guys you think you like don't seem to see you. All those guys apparently think you're just simply.. sadly.. Invisible.

But this doesn't make me sad, don't worry :) (well it used to.. or sometimes I get depression lapses. haha).. These thoughts just swim inside my head once in awhile, but I'm smart enough to learn my lesson now. It's not a crime to dream and hope and wish.. but it's also not smart pushing through with something, even if you know it's hopeless at the moment. I know that he's just out there.. waiting for me.. I know for a fact now is really not my time yet. I'm just glad I got my guy friends to make it clearer for me. Oh detouring-lost-man, where are you? Please don't be late when it's finally our time :)

*tag board for comments :) *

God's Best

2006-01-05T21:14:00.000+08:00

Nan told me about this thing she learned from her retreat last December. It's about God's Best - meaning this person is the man/woman who is really destined to be with you. He/She was created by God to be your everlasting soulmate. I decide to wait for this special person.. for who knows? I've got 4 years in college to look forward to ;)

This is probably one New Year's resolution I'm planning to keep :)

Post 2005-esque entry

2006-01-04T23:48:00.000+08:00

Allow me to concretize all my thoughts and emotions into words, which I know, I should've typed in a few days ago, to complete my year 2005.

As I stared at the hour hand slowly inching towards the number 12 last December 31st, I wondered what the next year would be like and what it would have in store for me. Slowly, recollections of what has transpired the year before formed vivid pictures in my head, and I started to think.. Damn. Everything's so fast now..everything seemed like a wild dream, and here I am, finding myself once more, standing on the very steps of Eastwood, looking up at the clock, just as how I was a year before..

That year when I still had him.. that year when I still looked forward for phonecalls at the end of the day.. that year when I knew someone utterly human and real actually cared about me. Then seven months passed.. I look at my reflection, with all those eyebags the size of saucers, stare back at me as if I were someone plucked off from Michael Jackson's music video of Thriller.. as if everything was just a bad dream. Then people emerge back into my life.. with all the ups and downs they had to offer me.. Sem break happened, and I still found myself going back to square one.

College life zoomed into this vacuum space, completely devoid of time. I met new friends.. 3 great girls whom I never thought would fill those little gaps that my heart still had. I never thought Katipunan Avenue would be like a second home for me - all its avenues, restaurants and overpasses don't seem like strangers unlike how they used to be before.

Everything basically seems like a blur.

A blur which literally flashed in an instant in front of my eyes.. Unknowing that I was actually aware that it was actually happening. 2005 was a very interesting year for me indeed. Everything that has happened a year ago seems like an eternity.. well in fact, they've only transpired months ago.

It was just a couple of months ago when I was the one praying so hard for the ceremony to finish because my white gala uniform was starting to itch, and the stockings were making me feel all hot. It was just a couple of months ago when I sat down everyday on that same table with 5 other amazing ladies, who are now in different universities and colleges themselves. It was just a couple of months ago when I had no idea what QPI meant, or how the heck a student will compute his/her QPI (or what UNITS meant for that matter). It was just a couple of months ago when I thought Ateneo was this unreachable dream.

Last year, I was the one gripping the cell phone so hard as if I were this super heroine, ready to break the tiny mechanism, as I stood there in Makati Hope, wondering if Poncee was about to tell me that I passed AdMU (major run-on! but I'm too lazy to revise and correct myself haha). Last year, I was the one being texted by Mark, telling me I actually passed that grueling DLSU exam. Last year, I was the one about to embark into college life. Now.. everything's changed. Seniors before me are now dreading the exam results, while I, a college student, stand to wait if my friends have made it or not. I am much older now. Much more responsible, and much more different. Who knew one could change in a year's time?

I find myself having that same mistake of writing the year wrong.. only now: I keep on writing 2005, instead of 2006. I find myself thinking that I'm still in highschool, that Ateneo was just this wild dream God had to make me see. I find myself thinking: were all of these memories worth it?

My response to this question? Heck yea. I'm hella sure they were all worth it. The tears were 8760 hours worth of strength and new beginnings; the laughter and the smiles were 525,600 minutes worth of exceedingly splendid memories; and everything that happened in between those 52 weeks, 12, months, and 365 days, I know, I'll be carrying them for the many many many months, and years to come.

P.S. tagboard for comments! comment thing's fluked :)

2005-12-29T22:23:00.000+08:00

What does it mean to be happy?

I've always asked this question, and I've always failed to answer it. Countless times, I've asked people what it means to be happy, and basically here are the most common answers:

contentment

being in love

still holding up, even if everything around you is all crappy

"I don't know.. you just know you are when you feel it.."

..and who could forget the commercial: Hershey's = Happiness :))

We've all searched for happiness, even scrutinized it in vain, attempting to solve this riddle of a word...Heck, we live to search for it.. We try all sorts of things to seek for what could possibly compensate for what we think that we lack. Some think Love is happiness..others perceive having an iPod nano is happiness (tuhuh like me :)) haha). Those little over-pass kids in Katipunan who beg for our baryas see happiness when someone takes his/her time to grab those coins from his/her pocket and hand it to them. Little kids find happiness in chocolate bars and hide-and-seek in the park. How do I see happiness?

It's my mom, my ate Eds, and my little sister Cj.
It's seeing Mye, Nan, and Anna everyday in school
It's being with my highschool barkada (Yas, Jules, Den, Angel, and Kim)
It's being able to sip into a cup of my favorite Starbucks drink (iced choco venti :D )
It's me being able to get back at someone who hurt me (I know it's bad.. but hey, it feels good to fight for yourself sometimes ;) )
Walking in the rain, trying so hard to find a tricycle that would take you to Jollibee Katipunan
Knowing the first person I fell in love with is happy
Passing a Zoology quiz.
Free cuts on a normal school day!
Having no homework
Experiencing that natural high when I see my crush walking along SEC walkway! :D
Takas nights on the phone
Being able to connect (and reconnect!) to my internet access normally
Seeing my crush look at me :)
Finding out that I may not be that invisible after all
Making my sister/s laugh when she/they are depressed
Tickling my mom
Good hair days
Good makeup days
Someone telling you that you actually look good
Being treated out
and a whole lot more!

I stare at my monitor right now, thinking how the heck I could've questioned my happiness. It's just absolutely pathetic! I fail to recognize what being happy is all about, and yet I still have the nerve to actually cry about it at night. I sit here, wondering why I've had moments when I ask myself if I'm really happy or not. Surprisingly, my mom is right: count your blessings. Seeing all those words typed into my entry makes me realize that I am actually happy.

It's not about having someone in your life to fill the gap.. you just have to be contented with yourself in order to "fill in" what you think you lack. It's not about your crush "seeing you", but it's actually about YOU seeing the Real YOU. It's not about how many people say you look great, but it's about YOU thinking and believing that YOU look great. It's not about not having a bad day, but it's about YOU managing a smile inspite of having one. :)

P.S. my comment thing's fluked again.. so please leave your comments through my tagboard :) thanks much!

2005-12-21T21:23:00.000+08:00

It sucks how I feel required to numbify myself so much as to prevent myself from feeling any less. For many days now, I've been practicing as much self-control I can muster, just so I can save myself from any embarassment, just in case my tongue gets me into trouble. I've never imagined how difficult it was for me to pretend not to feel anything, just so I can keep things in the status quo running normally. I never imagined how tough it would be for me, a person who's used to telling people how I feel all the time, to keep everything inside and mask up my real emotions by smiling and telling people that I'm okay. This practice of self-control was almost disrupted a couple of days back. I was with this certain person and I had to try my best to act non-chalantly about everything, well in fact deep inside, I wanted to strangle that person with whatever dangly thing I could find within my perimeter. I know.. such evil thoughts are now corrupting my tiny little brain, but I find myself not being able to help it. I ended up throwing slight freakish 10-second tantrums (hey, I'm just human. My patience has limits too, you know.), but in the end, I had to convince myself to stop (it was difficult by the way.peesh. I had to keep on telling them that I was okay and that nothing was bothering me.) Moments like those made me realize that some people aren't really worth my time, especially those who have inflicted slight-to-moderate emotional damage to my oh-so-precious ego (and sadly, to my heart. booooooo :( ). I thought I could handle being around that person, but something about that certain individual just ticks me off - this means I have to keep a distance for a while, or else, I might take that imagination of mine (stranglingthatpersonwithdanglyobject) into life. This of course, no one would really like to see, except me.

What is it with this certain someone that I just can't get over with? This person should even be the least of my personal problems, but I don't know.. It's like this individual's a leech of some sort, that this person just sucks out all the patience out of me. I'm starting to think of paving my way to become an actress someday, because believe me, I have to pretend and act each time I spend time with this certain special human being. *hint of sarcasm note here*.

It's hard to keep smiling, knowing that what lies beneath that smile is nothing but pure irritation, hurt, and yes: sadness. Some people ask me what I want this Christmas.. well.. it would be nice if I could grab an opportunity to just let everything out and tell that person so many things that I've been dying to express. I want to tell that person that I hate (okay.. the gender is now going to be divulged) his guts, and how stupid he was. I just want to shake the truth out of him. *Say what you really feel while you still got time..otherwise, it could just be too late.*

I try my best to make this entry as mysterious as possible, so much as to not attract any attention from people who might have an idea who this person is. Truth? Yes I did like him. But after everything that's happened, I'm starting to doubt whether or not it was even worth it for me to have such feelings (noooo I wasn't in love.) I just despise finding myself saying the word: sayang. That's what's sucky about reality: you can't numbify yourself, so you're stuck with the truth: It will never be. You can't numbify yourself, so you're stuck with that stupid smile on your face. You can't numbify yourself, so you have to suck it up and pretend that it's okay to be just friends.

2005-12-15T18:02:00.000+08:00

Spending a lot of time sitting alone along the SEC walkway (okay loner alert.. can't help it. boo) has allowed my observation skills to kick up a notch. I see couples PDAing in one corner (okay memories. but okay, like it's gonna happen to me soon. anubaelisestopit!), while others discuss Harry Potter, as if it were some kind of political issue that requires extreme attention and intellectual understanding. At least 60% of the whole ateneo student population goes by, and occasionally, I get to see people I know - but this happens rarely. Most of the time, I sit there alone while waiting for my mom to fetch me, wondering if the person who I really want to see will pass by. Unfortunately, that person doesn't. I sit there, pondering whether or not I have lived my life the way I want to. Have I done enough in order to tell myself that I've lived it to the fullest, and that it doesn't matter when I will die, because I know I'm okay as a person. Have I wasted precious moments and have I made dumb decisions? See, those benches along the walkway weren't placed there for nothing. I see fellow loners sitting down, one per bench, having that same, anxious-looking face that I wear. Maybe they're also wondering if the person they'd love to see will pass by.. or maybe they're just waiting for someone (like a date-material kind of gal/guy? woohoo lucky them). I've been staying in that walkway since monday, and apparently, it takes hours in order for me to catch that person I'm waiting for. I've seen that person once, twice, or even thrice, but unfortunately, I never get that chance to talk. I hate the feeling of anticipation, wondering if today will be a good day that I'd be able to talk to that person. I hate the moment when you see the person already, but the sea of people walking down that pathway drags you both along to the direction that you're walking on, so the chance to talk is now narrowed down to a million-to-one.

On the other hand, the other night, as I went online at eleven in the evening, a name suddenly pops out of nowhere. He was online, and I really did not click on his name, even though a part of me was tempted to move my mouse, drag that cursor on top of his name, and click it twice. (fortunately, I was good! Waha. I did not click him!) Unfortunately though, he did. It took some time for me to grasp that he was there, online, trying to talk to me. He asked me how I was. I didn't want to reply, but I don't know what came over me. The Stupid Me hastily moved my fingers (nooooostopppp) and started typing. Great. I was officially chatting with him. He again, apologized for what he did before, and he asked me if I was angry. I couldn't answer it straight that I still felt that same anger. He asked me if we were friends again. I told him: I'm sorry, but I'd have to look for my trust for you. But I was still civil, for I know I still have to respect him, no matter how jerky he acted months before. I expected for my so-called stupid feelings to come back, but surprisingly, they didn't. I guess I got too traumatized with what he did, and my trust for him has sadly disappeared. If ever he wants to be friends with me again, I'm going to make sure that he works hard for it. I've had enough of guys taking advantage of my kindness, then later on, will just apologize and expect that I'll be cool with it. I used to be like that, but after everything I've been through, I know somehow, I'll be harder to have this time.

Rich was right: it's gonna be a matter of time 'til I realize how strong I am. I guess it's normal for people to break down and feel lost once in a while, but what matters is how they cope with whatever stress or problem that's bothering them. I myself can be a weakling at times, but with situations like these, I realized that I am indeed, as strong as he thinks.. or better yet, as strong as I think.

2005-12-13T21:39:00.000+08:00

This one's a very short entry, for I just need to express how much these lines have hurt me the night before. Imagine: you're pouring your heart out to someone.. and what does he say? DRAMA AH. Not really the most appropriate thing to say. And I know, I do not deserve to be talked to that way. You already perform "the gesture", and yet, your efforts deem to be unrecognized. In return, you get this. Doesn't that hurt?

2005-12-13T01:48:00.000+08:00

I shall keep it short; keep it brief, in order to address what I really feel as of the moment. As I breathe and inhale every amount of air as possible, each breathe is a struggle of realization of how empty I must be currently feeling. It does sound really depressing, but it feels good admitting it to myself, for I know I have been running away from what's real and from what's true. Since that happened, a black hole has started to grow inside of me. I never had the most concrete explanation as to how and why it caused this kind of feeling, but sadly yes, I do feel this way. I have been feeling this way, and God knows how much I would give just for this ridiculously pitiful emotion to go away. Other people who know that I feel this way don't even permit me to express how much I've been going through. It's as if this situation of mine requires a license in order to fully grasp such emotional turmoil. It's like I've been looking for something but I still can't find it. I thought I was happy a month ago, or the month prior to that, but then, something would just keep on eating away that small amount of contentment, and I don't know what it is. Hopefully, whatever it is that's been causing this feeling would just go away. I've been making up silly excuses just to stay longer in school, for there are times when I'd just dread going home, because I know once I get there, I have to put up a face and act all normal about everything. I am pathetically nauseated by the fact that I can't even find my own real happiness. That's just really screwed up. :

2005-12-11T16:00:00.000+08:00

The concept of love has always been dissected in vain by people who longed for the mere knowledge and understanding of it. I, myself, underwent this stage, where I would try to seek all means and possibilities of discovering what it really meant. Unfortunately, I had to learn the meaning of this concept the hard way. For me, the very concept of love is different for every person, depending on how they perceive it to be. Some people find it to be a mere feeling, others, a decision, some even think it's just a stupid idea for people to find an excuse to hurt themselves. But do you want to know what I think? For me, it's something COMPLETELY and EXTREMELY unexplainable. The fact that no one has concretized the meaning of such simple word, means that it simply is that complicated and "big" - big and complicated in all sense of the word. Love is always gonna be different for each individual, which results to my conclusion that there will never be a right or wrong concept about it. I think love for me is something rare. It's not just a feeling where you gather up all these fuzzy and happy emotions into one box and try your best to make them all fit inside your heart. No. It's not just a feeling. It's something that you have to decide upon. It's something unexplainable, that when someone asks you why you feel such for a certain person, you wouldn't know why.. nor would you know exactly how. Reasons will never be put into words, for only your heart speaks of such reasons, and words will never be enough to explain love. But hey, that's just me. My blockmate once wrote that Love is such a simple word. People make it big. Sadly, I beg to oppose. Love in all sense of the word is not a simple word, nor will it ever be. When, let's say, someone tells you that he loves you, that simply means, he's willing to commit himself to you, and that you mean so much to him. Love is never to be treaten with mockery. (but again, that'sjustme :)

When someone tells you he likes you, then you know, that what he feels isn't that strong yet. There's a fine line between like and love, and one of the most common mistakes that people can make is mistaking like from love.

Speaking of which, people have been asking me lately if I like someone right now. Hmm. I always say NO instantly, for that's what I want to think. But whenever night falls and I'm about to fall asleep, that question irritatingly floats back into my head. Do I like someone right now. I guess maybe I do, but I try my best not to. It's ridiculous how my words don't coincide with what I feel, but I guess that's just the strange and weird part of me that's itching to come out. I try my best to be indifferent and passive about everything that's slammed down in front of me because I hate the feeling of screaming optimism and false hopes. I have no idea why I even feel such for this particular person, when most of the time, I feel like Harry Potter, stuck in such compromising situations where he wears his Invisibility Cloak to hide himself. I know that I am nothing but a mere friend - but I've accepted that a long time ago. But sometimes, whenever I see this person, I still miss him, but I try my best to give the best smile that I have, and pretend that I feel nothing but overwhelming friendship-vibes.

But that's okay. I mean, friendship with a very special person is more than enough for me. The fact that I can still talk to him is something that I will not risk to give up. I just hate it sometimes that I have accepted everything with no feeling of scorn or anger. This pisses me off sometimes haha. I guess, that's just me. The me who always accepts everything without question. This is what Love has taught me. It has created this new breed of character inside of me, which allows me to be happy for the people I love or like, even if their hearts are already beating for someone else. Love has taught me to be strong, and to never regret everything that I have done in the past year. Although, such emotions that I currently feel are still very much confusing. I don't know if I should just leave it alone, but I'm afraid that one of these days, they will catch up to me, just as how other things have been catching up to me lately. I thank writing for allowing me to release all that I hide inside (but it's stupid because it's not hidden anymore, for you guys can read it.. haha). I guess, all these things are the silent screams of a confused heart. I am forced to hold my tongue and be indifferent, for I know, these are my best defenses from having my heart broken again.

2005-12-10T01:46:00.000+08:00

I just realized now, that it has been a while since I've written something here. I guess I've developed a little bit of hypocrisy in me - I, being a hypocrite in a sense that I've been telling my friends never to run away from the truth, but this is what I've been actually doing for the past few months.

They say time heals all wounds. Yes, this is true, but the marks of such bruises will always find their way to stay, and remind us of what has transpired - and sadly, what has been. We find ourselves moving on, meeting new people, but then, something happens, and everything that we've wished for disappears in a snap, by the use of the words "we're friends right?" or the over-used one, "I'm sorry." I would like to say, that yes, I know I have been bruised a lot.. and after my heart broke pathetically into miniscule, puzzle-like objects, I somehow found a way to regain the strength, which I have sadly lost over the past few months. Aftermath: I met a lot of interesting new people, or rather, developed certain special relationships with quite a few (no: not the boyfriend-girlfriend type ok? ok :). Miraculously, without any knowledge of doing so, I have trained myself not to hope so much on the outcomes. I thought I was turning numb. I felt scared.. because no matter how things got so screwed up for me, I managed to keep that stupid smile on my face. My shadow ceaselessly paraded around school, fooling people that I was okay. I never told anyone how much things have been affecting me, because I never wanted to bother anyone with my stupid thoughts and feelings. Why stupid? Because I knew that I had better things to dwell on. But no. I kept it all inside.. kept it all until the walls of my very room felt nauseated by my tears. I even find it mysterious sometimes why I cry about everything. Is it because I've been suppressing everything in vain? Is it because I can't find anyone who could listen to me? Or is it because I'm simply tired of having people entering in my life, offering me a slight chance of happiness, but in the end, take that chance back. I guess it's a combination of everything, but mostly, it's the latter that answers my dilemma most perfectly. I am emotionally-exhausted. None of my friends even have the slightest idea that everything that has been happening has posted an effect on me. I keep on wishing everyday that the present hurt would just go away if I keep on smiling, or if I keep on telling him that 'I'm okay.' How can something that seems so promising, turn out to be 'another used to be'? How can something that deems to hold the promise of happiness and contentment be taken away by stupid words and long overdue conversations. One answer: probably because it really isn't meant to be. I just hate the way how it's slammed in front of my face with the disguise of something colorful, then turns out, it's another way of God's test of faith, hope, and whatever it is that we have to learn to grasp and accept in life. Why can't people just for once, be proud of their actions, and quit making dumb excuses. I've done my part - I've been honest with everything.. but how come the people I care about so dearly (which is very unexplainable as to how and why I care for them, even if I barely know these people inside-out) still hide what's real, even if I can feel the truth dying to be spoken of through the looks in their eyes? Have I really been over with everything, or am I just desperately wishing I were, for I know it would be so much easier for me, if I could just pretend that I am okay.

I'd like to think sometimes we're all great actors. But once we look deep into somebody's eyes, that's when we see where their weaknesses lie: the truth will always be seen in the eyes of that someone. Trust me - I've seen it, despite the excuses that that person has spoken of.

I can never blame people who find bliss in ignorance - for it is in ignorance where we gain the power of losing our knowledge about reality.

(okay super labo entry.. will try to revise it some time. but for now: this is exactly what my heart feels)

2005-11-30T20:52:00.000+08:00

I
A goddess by which is formed by the heavenly skies;
A myth that has been unseen by numerous eyes;
A book that has been so longed for to be opened;
An art so pure, so unveiled, so untouched
From which your fingers burn and itch to caress,
That, which is not seen

I
From which my legs extend
Like flawless waves of the ocean deep
From which my supple skin is felt only by the rustling breeze
And the gentle sweep of your eyelashes
From which your fingers, like the hungry flames of the forest fire, fail to touch
That, which is not seen

I
Whose hand you’ve never graced,
Whose lips you’ve never kissed,
Whose perfect body you may only get to trace in dreams
Whose carnal treasures I would seal like a precious secret
Whose precious purity my womb deems to remain unscathed

I
Whose mind, may never blame a man such as you
Whose watering mouth’s as hungry as a lion for a prey
Whose fingers delight to touch, to feel, to caress, That, which is not seen

Just a poem I wrote for my Lit. class. It's based from the painting of Karla Cachola: That, which is not seen. Hope you like it :)

2005-11-28T23:47:00.000+08:00

(I will try my best to write in Filipino.. Let's just say this is Elise, trying her best to practice writing in Tagalog :)

Bakit nga ba tayo nasasaktan? Hindi ba't sabi nila'y madali lang naman turuan ang isipang makalimot at magalit, kung saka-sakali'y nabahiran muli ng pagkalungkot at pagdurusa ang ating mga puso? Hindi ba sabi nila'y: 'Mind over Matter' lamang iyan? Ang kasagutan: sapagkat tao lamang tayo: taong nagkakamali, at nakararamdam ng kung anu-anong poot at galit.. ng kung anu-anong mga emosyon, na tila, may sariling kapangyarihan sa ating pag-iisip. Bakit nga ba natin hinahayaang maramdaman ang kalungkutan at galit? Bakit natin hinahayaang tumulo ang mga luha mula sa ating mga mata? Napakaraming katanungan, ngunit alam ko rin naman ang kasagutan. Hinahayaan nating madarama ang mga emosyong ito sapagkat nais nating matikman kung ano ba talaga ang ibig sabihin ng pagiging 'tao'. Kung perpekto lahat, wala na tayong ikabubuhay pa sa mundong ito. Oo, sabihin na nating tanga ang tao, sapagkat, kaya naman nating iwasang masaktan at maging malungkot. Oo, sabihin na nating bobo na tayo kung sa bobo, kahit na sinasabi natin araw-araw na tayo ang pinakamatalinong nilalang na ginawa ng Diyos. Ngunit, nakatali sa ating 'pagkatalino' ang pagiging bobo at tanga. Matigas ang ating mga ulo, sapagkat ninanais pa rin nating suwayin ang normal na takbo ng buhay, upang maranasan ang masaktan - masaktan ng minamahal, o kahit sino o ano pa man. Nakakatawa hindi ba? Ngunit, bakit nga ba ganoon? Nagpapakatanga tayo, at pagkatapos.. ano? Nakikita natin ang ating mga sarili, nahihirapan at tumatangis, habang ang ating mga puso ay nagagalusan ng pagdurusa. Kalimitan, humaharap pa tayo sa salamin, para lamang makumbinsi ang mga sarili na hindi na natin uulitin ang: mga kabobohang ating ginawa, mga pagpapakasakit sa mga taong wala namang pakialam sa atin, at kung anu-ano pang pagsisisi. Ganoon tayo kahangal. Gawa nang gawa ng kung anu-anong bagay nang hindi nag-iisip, at pagkatapos... ano? Tatangis na lamang at hihiling na sana ginamit natin ang ating mga utak upang maiwasan nang masaktan at magmukhang 'ewan'.

Ngunit.. ganyan talaga ang buhay; ganyan talaga ang pagiging 'tao'. Siguro bahagi na nga lang talaga ng ating buhay ang maging ganito - magkamali, magpakatanga paminsan-minsan, at oo.. magpasawalang-bahala kahit tayo'y masasaktan na. Siguro nga'y sa bawat sakit na ating nadarama, may kapalit itong leksyon at bagong kaalaman. Siguro nga'y sa bawat sakit, ay may katumbas na pagiging matatag at matalino. Siguro nga'y sa bawat pagkakamali'y katumbas ng ating pagiging 'tao'. Imperpekto nga tayo - puro bahid, puro pagkakamali.. ngunit, hindi nga ba'y ito ang nagpapaganda sa atin?

haha.. very .. tagalog, won't you say? :D nah, I just felt like writing it this way.. hopefully it ain't too sabaw-ish :)

2005-11-24T20:45:00.000+08:00

The classic question of love always has its way of lingering in our minds. It's irritating actually, for when one is not committed, this question will always bother that person, and will make him/her feel how lonely being single is. The question still remains though: should people go looking for it (and go make things happen for them), or should people just wait for it to arrive (and fail to meet the opportunities that life has to bring?). It's always a question of destiny, fate, and how love will arrive at the perfect moment. But it always has been a very confusing debate. When one waits, that person fails to seek the opportunities that could just be passing by; but when one looks for it, he/she may just end up having numerous relationships or flings, and will later on realize that love isn't really to be sought for. It's hard really, because one doesn't know whether or not it's part of his/her destiny for him/her to seek for that 'love' -- and that that love will turn out to be the one for him/her ( I do hope you get what I'm saying ). Love is such a web full of disguises and surprises, and basing it on personal experience, it does come at the most unexpected hour. But the funny thing about love is that you'll know it's real because you can just feel it. It's not a physical feeling, but it's something extremely undescribable. The atmosphere is completely different, that you'd find yourself feeling a warm sensation (and a shivering feeling for that matter) whenever that person's near you -- well, this is how I felt anyways :) I know I've only felt this once, and I don't regret it at all. It was a worthwhile experience, and I know that I will always love that person (oo na, you know who you are na.. wag lalaki ulo :). You see, genuine love never ceases to exist. It only falters for a moment, but it will never leave your heart. For me, I believe people who 'fall out of love' simply did not love at all. I see it impossible that people could just love a person, and after a few weeks or so, they'll realize they don't feel it anymore. Love is never a feeling. It is a decision that one has to partake and pledge for. It is something that is unbreakable, like a bond between two people. It is never a feeling that could just grow and fade at different times. I really don't know when I'll be able to feel that way again. If ever I do, I wish that I'll be able to feel it at the perfect moment, and with the perfect someone. Everything that's been happening to me lately has made me realize that my soulmate's still out there - probably taking a re-route or a detour to wherever ever land. It's very disappointing though, for I thought there were promises of 'something' with some certain people, but I ended up failing. I guess it really is a hit-or-miss thing in this world, something that is very unavoidable. But I know I shouldn't go looking for it, even if other people say that I should start making things happen for me. I believe that love will find its way to me, because I know God has designed a person who's really meant for me. Who knows who could it be. I do hope it's my senior crush though (wahhaa) but I know it's impossible.. but ya.. who knows right?

2005-11-21T21:55:00.000+08:00

I honestly have no idea why I feel this way. I find it to be an unexplainable feeling, but I will try my best to paint mental pictures in your heads, so as to try to make you understand what I'm feeling exactly. Of all my friends, only one has noticed that I have been different lately. My family hasn't even the slightest clue on what I'm going through with right now. It's been at least two weeks that I haven't been myself (which is very baaaad). I find myself smiling whenever my friends are around me, but then, whenever I find myself alone, my mind instantly goes to places that I've been avoiding. I find colorless but deeply emotional tears streaming down my face as I think about things that I haven't told anyone. There have been things that have been 'bothering' me, and that have been causing me such sleepless nights. I would find myself literally tossing and turning in my bed, wondering if such thoughts will ever disperse and go away. It's the type of sadness that I never want to feel, and the type which I have been desperately trying to avoid. It's seriously this ridiculously, horrendously, unexplainable emotion. I have known myself to be this really honest and vocal person, especially when it comes to what I am feeling; but lately, I find myself bottling every little bit of emotion that I feel that isn't connected to happiness. I'm not used to being like this. Usually, I would go and look for some friend of mine who is possibly willing to listen to such emotional crappy turmoil that I'm experiencing, but lately, I find myself doing the exact opposite thing. I keep things to myself, and pretend that everything will be all right. I would keep telling the people who matter to me that I'm perfectly happy with my present being, but in reality, naturally, I've been contradicting everything that's been coming out of my mouth. I don't know if it has something to do with absorbing all my friends' and family's problems? I don't know if it's remotely connected to with me pressuring myself to do better this semester. I don't know if it has something to do with a certain person whom I cannot divulge my feelings to. I know my heart has been dying to scream all my emotions out, but my brain has been stopping me from doing so. My fear of being predicted and being figured out consumes my desires - my desire to be emotional, my desire to feel angst, and my desire to be truthful. I've been losing a lot of people in my life lately (well, four people for that matter), and yes, that's a lot for me. Is there something wrong with me? Is it the right decision to cut any means of communication with them? I really don't know. My mind is torn into different paths and different desires. All my hopes of believing that I could form something from this certain something (okay I know weird.. but I'm trying to sound really vague here..so as to not reveal what I'm really trying to explain) have been erased. How could I have been so stupid to give it some silly chance? I just hope I quit committing the same mistakes again, for I hate messing up so badly. I guess, my smiles really do hide what my heart really feels.. but if you look closely into my eyes, you'd see that my soul is screaming for someone to understand..and to feel what my heart is trying to say. (sorry for the extremely emo crap.. so sorry.. I just felt the need to be truthful this time)

2005-11-20T20:12:00.000+08:00

You told me you'd never hurt me,

yet here I am broken

You told me you'd never make me cry,

and yet here I am with eyes swollen

You told me you'd wait for me,

yet here I am alone

You told me you'd be my friend,

yet here you are, so cold, so malevolent

You told me you won't leave me

yet here you are, nowhere to be found.

You told me you'd never break all these,

yet your promises were swept by the wind.

Should I still believe you? Should I still give you the chance?

Look me in the eye, and tell me "Yes"

2005-11-18T23:12:00.000+08:00

The sight of your shadow from a distance

makes my heart leap in an instant

your distant breath,

your laugh that resounds perfectly

creates this melodious, flawless symphony

Questions would come and go

why you of all the people I know

why you, whose depths I know I may never reach

why you, whose heart I know I can never keep

why you, whose hand I may never get to hold

why you, whose eyes, have never graced my soul

You, who are a walking irony of perfect disposition

Makes my smile spread like the wings of a butterfly

willing to take the leap, but my fear consumes the whole of me

I smile, while my insides begin to cry

Why you, whose depths I know I may never reach

why you, whose heart I know I can never keep

why you, whose hand I may never get to hold

why you, whose eyes, have never graced my soul

why you, who makes me feel so blown away

why you? I don't know.. what more can I say?

* hehe.. this poem isn't really for someone.. just something about people who like/love certain someones, but really can't do anything about their emotions..so sad : promise this isn't for someone! :) *

2005-11-12T22:39:00.000+08:00

Just an hour ago, I found incriminating messages on my tagboard, and I don't know who the bloody hell wrote those messages. The messages were: hey slut your font's too small; hey bitch; hey skinny skank your font's too small.. I do have an idea who could write those messages, but I don't want to jump into any conclusions. I had no idea people could be so bird-brained and so disrespectful. I had no idea some people could actually be so uncivilized in dealing with matters, that they would have to stalk people through their blogs and post some lies on the tagboard (although, yes I have to admit, I am a skinny person). I will not let myself get affected by this, for I know I am not a skank, a slut, nor am I a bitch. Although I have to admit, I might just be one if this gets out of hand. Oh yes, another truth, my font is too small, but I like it that way. So please, whoever you are, save yourself some face, and quit doing this mumbo-jumbo that you're doing. It's pointless, and it could just seriously make people realize how low you can get. I may know who you are, so please, save yourself the aggravation, and try to think of other things to do, for I know that there are far better things to do, than to send messages through the tagboard (or through friendster for that matter? I'm just not sure). Have a nice life. :)

P.S. If you think I am deeply affected, sad to say I am not, for I know I am neither of those things that you posted on my tag board. I am merely defending myself from the disrespect that you have shown through my board, and I know I have the right to express what my reaction is, regarding this matter. P.S.S. If you think my font's too small, get a magnifying glass. I know they come in cheap, just like how cheap other people can get, don't you think? :)

2005-11-11T22:22:00.000+08:00

I search for that gleam in your eyes

through that stellar hollowness

through the untamed depths of your soulless iris

a gleam of hope seeps through my desperate entity

still failing to grasp the love that was once a miracle

Each day passes as I yearn, as I wonder

each day passes as the questions grow, as I ponder

the love that was lost, still hasn't found its way back

how could it be gone? your eyes are still cold

still untamed, still unloving

Each stare becomes a piercing glare

each look becomes my source of pain

but still I cannot help but drown myself

in that mystery that lies deep in your eyes

how could it be gone? still, your eyes are cold, untamed, unloving

That once warm embrace turns into a cold goodbye

that once loving look turns into a bitter farewell

those once uttered words that spoke of such sweet emotions

has turned into drafts of bittersweet lies

My heart feels lost, my heart feels pain

my heart feels nothing as your footsteps fade away

it beats of a life that was wasted for love

it beats of a memory consumed by impossibility

how could it be gone? now, your eyes have never looked back

** hmm some crappy shit I just felt like writing.. haha :) sorry for the ugly emo-esque feel** seriously really sorry for the crappiness! XD

2005-11-07T19:02:00.000+08:00

I choose not to erase anything that's written on my blog, for the reason that it is my own: my own collection of thoughts and memories. The reason why I choose not to mention names because I want to keep my blog's anonymity, and if anyone has something against that, then, it's not my problem anymore. My apologies if some people have to comment against some of them, and/or if certain people find out who I'm pertaining to in some of my entries, but I will retain my blog as it is. (only a few number of people would understand as to who/m I'm addressing this message to right now)

P.S. You do not have the right to talk to me like that, for I never disrespected you. All I'm asking for is respect in return. Nothing more, nothing less.

P.S.S. I am not writing down things from my past to raise questions, nor to create certain misunderstandings in current relationships. I'm simply writing them down for the reason that they have been a part of my experiences, and I would like to express my thoughts about them. Kapeesh? Glad we got that figured out then.

2005-10-28T22:10:00.000+08:00

This is my last night before I fly to Iloilo, so now I'm grabbing my last opportunity for net access! :) haha.. (BTW: the "screw him" person in my previous entry is .. Mr. Jerk.. just to clarify that)..

I can't believe things can go so fast in a span of a week. Last week I thought I was ready to embark on another 'commitment', but it turns out, I'm nowhere near to being prepared and being ready. For some reason I find it hard to open up once again, no matter how understanding and nice the gent could get. I know it isn't the best feeling in the world, getting to hurt a person so dear to me, but I clarified things the other night, and God knows how thankful I am that that person understood me. So thank you: you know who you are :)

I guess I just never realized how much that breakup changed my life and the way I viewed things. My heart is back to its normal cage once more, so afraid to be free and to be taken out. Falling in love or having a mutual understanding with someone would mean that I'd be giving a certain person the chance to hurt me, even if that person would always tell me that he would never do such a thing. God knows how many guys have told me that, and yet, I end up getting hurt either way. So there. I realized I want this time alone for me first. I want to discover things for myself, and not think about anyone else but me, my family, and my friends. I'm not yet cut out for relationship-y stuff as of this moment. I want to enjoy my freedom as an individual. For short, I want to patch things up with myself and allow my 5 foot 2 inch-high self to fix things up. I always thought that a guy could keep my mind off things, or a guy could actually make me feel complete and fill the gap in my heart. But I was wrong. I need myself in order to organize things. I need to learn how to love myself again and to enjoy my company with others as a single person. I thought being single and being loveless would be a lonely thing, but I found out that it actually isn't.

Lately I've been bonding with my family a lot and I realized that this is exactly what I need right now: my family.. My family that I've forgotten for the past 2 years or so.. my family that I have taken for granted because I was too preoccupied with myself, my studies, and my stupid heart. My mom has always been right from the beginning. I have never felt so 'home'.. This is what I need now. Not some romantic love thing.. I need the people that I care about so much.

I would know when the perfect time would be for me to enter into another commitment (now is definitely not 'it'). I would know if it will be right. I know right now, it's not 'right'. I'm only seventeen and I know I have more things to discover and go through with right now. I'll take it one step at a time, one day at a time. Last week, I allowed myself to enjoy little moments, and I liked it. At the same time, those moments also taught me a lot.

Tomorrow, I'll be off to Iloilo.. Gotta wake up at 5 am. Golly. I do hope November will be a fresh start for me.. Gotta fix things for myself, and gotta make the right decisions this time. I do pray that November will be a good month. Sweet November - may you turn into a reality for me =)

2005-10-26T22:42:00.000+08:00

On hurting and getting hurt

I've done my share of getting hurt.. and hurting others, of course, not on purpose. It makes me think whether or not I am really deserving of peoples' attention and sympathy, because doing my share of hurting people makes me think that I'm just as bad as the rest of 'em. The shredded remnants of my heart that were left from a number of minor and shitty unfortunate setbacks since August have been finding its way back together..until everything just gets to be stirred up again. First it starts out with Mr Jerk, then another person enters my life.. and then there's this amazing person right now. I'm afraid that what I did last year to someone.. might happen again, and that's the last thing - and I mean the very last thing that I want to happen. I know people like them don't deserve to get hurt, knowing they have always been so self-sacrificing and understanding. And the thing that pisses me off the most is that they always understand me, when what I want them to feel is anger towards me. I feel it's unfair that's why I want them to think I'm a bad person. I entered this 'thing' and now .. I feel like I can't handle it. It makes me think that I'm not ready yet. I guess what I need now is time for myself. Time to focus on myself only, for I've been too self-sacrificing for 7 months of my teenage years. But I know that I can never bear the fact that there will be indeed a chance for me to hurt someone so dear to me. Telling someone that we need to wait, or that we need some time off is hell. It's excruciating for me to think about how everything has been transpiring. I feel like my life has turned into one big fucked up wheel, with nothing but confusion and hatred. I may seem like the happy person, but someone had to destroy that happiness that I possessed. Screw him. Screw him.

Knowing that I might hurt someone again hurts me more. The last thing I need is for someone to get hurt because of me. I'd rather be the one getting hurt, rather than a person close to me having his heart broken because of my fickle-mindedness and stupidity.

He told me that I shouldn't be too hard on myself..But I can't help it. I know it's my fault and I don't deserve to be understood. God knows what I should do. God knows what I can do. One thing's for sure right now: me hurting that person so special to me could be an inevitable thing. Fuck.

(sorry for the profanity.. I'm just really full of angst, confusion, and pain right now)

2005-10-25T18:55:00.000+08:00

They say memories are what shape a person to what they are now.. well.. let me recount some of the best ones which have helped me become the person I am today :)

walking under the rain at UP before my UPCAT
being surprised with home-made dessert
walking inside Seattle's Best Coffee Katipunan not knowing that my special someone was there to surprise me
eating sadly in Galle, not knowing he was standing right behind me
my first time to taste Yellow Cab pizza, which was brought by someone very dear to me
drinking my very first Tequila shot at Dencio's near Ayala Heights
being able to compose our graduation songs
someone singing to me Crazy For You over the phone
someone putting his jacket over my head so I won't get wet while walking under the rain at UP before my UPCAT
hugs from behind
someone covering my eyes, not knowing it was him who was behind me
winning my first ever competition way back when I was in first grade
seeing my family smile when I graduated
falling in love for the first time
pretending to be someone's girlfriend, and turns out.. hmm..haha
finding out that I got in my dream college =)
I'll add more as soon as I remember some more..teehee

2005-10-22T23:29:00.000+08:00

I always regarded myself as someone who was completely idealistic.. I thought I was the spontaneous person that I wanted to be, but I always ended up eating my own words. It was just until I got into college that I realized unplanned moments and spontaneity are one of the best ways in order to achieve happiness. Sometimes things work out more if you just stop thinking about whether it's going to be right or wrong. Oh no. I'm not saying that one should stop using their brains, coz God knows why he put that right on top of everything else. All I'm saying is that one should learn how to not think too much about things. College has taught me this, and yes, to give him credit, Rich taught me this as well. I used to be this person who wanted to plan things accordingly, because I always wanted things (and moments for that matter) to be 'perfect' - which I know, is too idealistic. Growing up has made me realize that it's okay to bend a few rules, and to act like a stupid person once in a while. Being with 'let-loose' people and liberal people have made me rethink about whether or not I've been playing my cards right. Glad to say, this college, I've been doing a lot of my own spontaneous activities. It feels good actually, because not only do I get to enjoy moments, but I get to laugh about them afterwards, just in case I screw up. Committing mistakes is one of the most beautiful things that a person can do. With those mistakes, no matter how stupid they are, they enable a person to reevaluate things, and to strategize for their next move, or to simply learn how to make things right finally. Getting my heart broken last year by someone whom I've only known for a month has taught me this lesson that I'm writing about now (about being spontaneous and crap). Last year I used my brain too much, I failed to allow myself to express how much I liked the guy, or rather, loved him. Now, I'm hanging on to the what ifs and what nots, and that's what I hate the most. I never really allowed myself to experience what could have been. So now, I'm still using my brain, but I'm allowing my heart to assist me as well. Lately I've been enjoying moments, and thank god for the word spontaneity - it's one of the best words in the dictionary. :) So don't be afraid to do things in the spur of the moment. Don't be afraid to hold hands with someone, even if there's no promise of real love or something to that effect. Simply enjoy those moments, and believe me, you'll learn more, rather than keep on planning to keep things perfect. Never let fear hinder you from experiencing what you really desire. Because the more you fear, the more you'll never know what could and what might have been. Idealistic is good. Spontaneous is so much better. Now that's perfection :)

feeling giddy from all the emo-ness

2005-10-18T21:44:00.000+08:00

Awhile ago, I had the ride of my life. Haha. It was my first time to drive! My mom almost died of nervousness. If it hadn't been for her being all scared, I wouldn't have let go of the wheel. Things I've learned so far:

Just keep your hands on the wheel. Don't steer it too much, or else, the car will move as much also :))
When turning through a curve/curb, make sure you slow down (but don't step on the brakes too jerkily, unlike me) then speed it up a little bit as you turn. Then you steer the wheel back to its normal position (in the middle). Haha.. I can't believe I actually drove!
Never panic - this I did do, unfortunately my mom did! Haha..

It's funny how everything seems to be in fastforward motion. It was just yesterday when my older sister was the one struggling behind the wheel, and now, I'm the one making my mom's heart skip thrice as faster as it should be beating. Haha. I thoroughly enjoyed driving. Can't wait to be enrolled ;)

Right now, I'm currently being eaten up by mixed emotions - emotions which are very much hard to describe. The feeling of being empty slowly becomes a distinct inherent part of me, and since last week, my mind's been struggling tirelessly to go back to its usual peaceful state. One thought that's been bothering me lately is: what if my past relationship was one big mind game? I know it's so sudden that I'm thinking about my first rel'ship, but I can't help it. Telling him that certain secret of mine made me rethink if he really did love me before, or if I was just one big game for him. Sometimes as much as I don't want to regret things, people like him and Mr. Jerk make me want to regret, and forget. Poncee told me that mistakes are blessings in disguise, but sometimes I can't help but think that I would never have wanted those mistakes to arise in the first place. Right now, when I think about it, I can't seem to be feeling genuine happiness. Stupid people, keep on invading my peaceful self. :s That's why right now I'm concentrating on helping out my friends instead, since that makes me happy. Last week was Carlo's birthday, so I surprised him with a choco-fudge cake from Seattle's Best, which I just asked Nan to bring to him since I couldn't go with her to Lasalle. He told me I was the only one who gave me a real birthday gift, and reading that message from him actually made me cry. I had no idea a simple chocolate cake would mean so much to him :((

Right now, I feel weird.. feeling giddy from all these emoish feelings. Everything seems to be in topsyturvy.. and everything seems to be turning into crappy little thingies. I hated the way he talked to me last week (I'm the only one who knows who he is), as if I was nothing, as if I was some guinea pig he was experimenting on. It made me think that what if he was been playing with me all along? People like him make me want to stop trusting people. I'm slowly turning into the cynic I was afraid I would be, and my optimism level isn't going up either. It's as if everything's a game for everyone, and nothing seems to be constant, except for change of course. Stupid change. Why do people have to change? Can't things just turn out the way we want them to, even just for once?

listening to love songs..even if i'm not in love :D

2005-10-18T14:57:00.000+08:00

It's funny how Hollywood can concoct the perfect love story, and yet, we can't seem to produce our very own. We always enjoy feasting our eyes into something that we can't seem to get, or rather, can't seem to have. Some people believe that in love, there are no impossibilities. I'm seventeen, and certain hardships have turned me into a cynic - something that I despise very much. I guess when a person's in love, it seems as if anything's possible and everything's almost perfect. It's as if your life has never been more complete than you've ever imagined. But once you get your heart broken, the fear of letting others step inside your life again consumes you so much, that you end up being a misanthropist. I think what I'm trying to say is that this is exactly what's been happening to me lately. I know it's never right to close your doors, but the thing is, I'm using this time to heal, and to find myself again. But no..Someone always has to invade those closed doors, and try to enter your life once more. A week ago, someone whom I haven't heard from in two months texted me at 230 am (oh no..it's not him if that's what you're thinking). Mr Jerk. Tenen. tells me that he couldn't sleep bleh bleh. So the next day, I decided to reply and ask him how he was and all. Then he starts blabbering about how he broke up with the girl and stuff like those (haler, I wasn't asking him about that, though I gotta admit, I was this close to telling him: I told you so), and he told me that it's been a while since we've talked..so I decided to tell him that if he would be free that evening, we could talk. He said yes. I didn't name him Mr. Jerk for no reason. Of course the butthead didn't call.. neither did he bother informing me the next day..and the day after that that he would be busy. In total, I gave him 3 chances to talk to me.. Sadly, he wasn't smart enough to take them. He was never smart enough. Sad. True. Inevitable. I guess it was stupid of me to believe that there was the slightest chance that he might want me back. I was secretly rellishing the moment already: me not taking him back or making him work hard for it before he can actually get there. But I guess they're right: never expect. I guess what pissed me off the most was how he had to text, when I told him before that I wasn't ready to be his friend, and when I asked him not to bother me anymore. I believe some guys really have poor comprehension skills - and he's one of 'em. In my secret anger, I decided to tell the one person whom I couldn't tell who Mr. Jerk was. It felt good finally telling him, although according to him, I was manipulated. I guess part of me was, but even when I felt that he was just mind-gaming me in order to tell him, I played along and stopped caring whether or not he was serious..because I have been dying to divulge that information, and I know, Mr. Jerk shouldn't get away with it. (I know it's pretty hazy..but only the people who know about this would be able to understand completely :D) But now I'm still pissed. Just when I was on the brink of being at total peace with myself, he had to sprout back again, as if I was the world's most manhid person of all time. One dream of mine: to be able to slap him on the face. Oh that must feel really good. I know I should just drop it, but for the first time of my life, I've been happy because I was contented, not because of a guy or because I'm in love. I was feeling peaceful, and my heart was slowly mending itself already. BUT NO. That epitome of ugliness had to be resurrected at 230am. Grr. And now my world is shaken again. I'm dreaming about memories of love once more, and I'm starting to hate it. My sister didn't pass her board exam and I feel extremely depressed because I saw how much she worked hard for it. I might not be able to go to Boracay because my lolo's sick. It's like every little bad thing is starting to come, and it feels like nothing good will happen anymore. Being stuck in this house for too long isn't healthy for me. Being alone is slowly starting to feel like torture. And I hate it. It all started with Mr. Jerk and now I'm a mess again (well emotionally). No, I don't miss him..but I think I'm starting to feel lovesick. NoooOOooooooOOO..This is bad. I've been doing well for two months now, and I can't let one guy ruin everything for me once again. I've fixed myself up after a bad breakup, and who says I can't do that again, right? Oh gosh I don't even know what I'm saying.. I think this is just hormonal imbalance taking over me again.. I bet you'll be surprised..my next entry would sound normal once more. Hopefully.

great expectations

2005-10-09T19:46:00.000+08:00

Someone once told me, never expect to avoid getting disappointed in the end. This statement holds true, unfortunately, as human beings, we fail to abide by it. We end up expecting from things or from other people, always hoping for something to turn out the way we want them to, finding out in the end that we won't be getting what we feel we deserve. My life has always been hovered by expectations. My mom and dad expect so much from me to have high grades, while others expect me to be Ms. Wonderkid, to have a lot of accomplishments, just like my 7-year old self, winning countless competitions back when I was younger. Surprisingly, now, I've began to have expectations for myself as well. Sadly, sometimes I put too much pressure on myself, I fail to realize it. I expect too much when it comes to my grades, and I expect too much I guess, from other people to treat me well. What would life be without such expectations? I guess, it'll be too lax..too boring..too..nothing. Life without expectations would mean life without goals, without anything to look forward to. I believe everything still has to be in moderation - having too much and too less of everything isn't healthy, so I guess having expectations (but in moderate servings) is also a good thing, just for us to have a guide so to speak.But sometimes, I just can't help it. I always tend to hope, even if I know, hoping won't be a good thing sometimes. True enough, one should not expect.. because you will end up getting hurt in the end. Make me a solid example of such mistake. Just two days ago I again have expected a little bit from a certain someone, and now, where do I stand? Under the rain again, pretending everything's okay and back to normal..but in reality, a part of those expectations still continue to linger. I just wish right now that they would just diminish into diminutive and pathetic little pieces, so that I'd be able to move on again. Two months of total peace, and here I am, almost back where I started. Why can't some people just leave me be? Great expectations - inevitable as hell.

why why why

2005-10-08T13:31:00.000+08:00

For two months now I've been at peace - not just with people whom I thought I hated, but with myself mostly - which I am very much proud of. Until the other night happened.. I just hate it when everything's okay for me, then someone just comes up and texts or calls me up acting like nothing happened. The other night, a text message woke me up at 2 am.. the heck. It was from someone I never expected to text me eeeever. I didn't reply, coz i just wanted to make him think that I was asleep already. But I couldn't help it. The next day, I ended up texting him and telling him I was indeed asleep and bleh bleh bleh. Then everything just started flooding back, and I hated myself for texting him, for telling him I missed our late night conversations. :( I was done with hoping for something with him, but now, I can't help but feel otherwise. I guess some of what I felt still lingered, but I just didn't allow myself to think about them. Last night I hoped to talk to him, but he was out. So now I'm asking myself why he had to text the other night. He just said 'wala lang' daw yung pagtext niya. But when I showed his message to one of my close friends, my friend told me that no one texts someone at 2am just because it's nothing. My friend told me that people who text like that thought about it deeply if they would text that person. I don't know what to think anymore. Since last night I've been avoiding the fact that I hoped even for a little bit, that things would change and that things would turn around for the better. But he hurt me already.. Does he want me back as a friend? Or did he realize things after it didn't work out with him and this other person? Of course I never want to be second best.. haay. See how confused I am. Oh well. That's why I asked God for a sign nalang: If he indeed wants me back, he'd text and talk to me..but if he never does text again, then that would mean he only misses our friendship. Hope this works though, coz I'm tired of thinking. Just when I was enjoying my life already :(

oh but why

2005-10-07T00:27:00.000+08:00

Oh but why do things have to be ironic all the time? Why does it rain right after you have your car washed, or why do things just never seem to work out the way you want them to? My life is one big irony, chopped into little bits and those ironies scattered in every aspect of my seventeen year-old self. Like before, I entered this competition, I didn't win, but I ended up being approached and commended by the audience; or like the person I used to like never liked me back, but when I stopped liking him, that was when he realized that he did feel something, but it was too late already - and then you suddenly feel "sayang". Why do things even have to be ironic all the time? It's like ironies most of the time, spoil out the fun in things. Everything always has to happen differently. Oh yes, I almost forgot, life wasn't supposed to be easy at all (haha). One of the ironies that I thoroughly hate would be the irony in love. Why is it that the person you really love can't love you back the way you want them to, then it so happens that someone whom you only see as a friend can love you back the way you would want a person to love you. People think having other people liking you is a great thing - well actually it is! But for me, whenever I know that I am bound to hurt someone, I'd rather have no one 'appreciating' me, because the last thing that I need is someone very special to me getting hurt because I can never reciprocate what they have to offer. And it's true that they never deserve to have their hearts broken because they have done so much, and you have seen their efforts in making you feel loved. See, this is what I hate about this love irony thing. I always ask myself the question why can't I just love them back as well? I mean, isn't this the type of love that I am looking for? *Sigh* Everything just gets more and more complicated as I grow older. I'd rather be the one getting hurt, than be the one who does the hurting. Yes, it sounds so martyr-ish, but I hate it when someone gets hurt because of me :s

food - my new lover :D

2005-10-06T23:55:00.000+08:00

Funny how a simple bite onto a scrumptous and delectable piece of chocolate cake can easily zap your stress away in a nanosecond. The brown icing slowly filling the gaps between your teeth, and letting you experience heaven for about ten minutes or so. Yes, food is now my new lover. After two months of being single, I have found myself true love at last! Haha. Lately kasi I've been well..kind of nurturing my stomach quite a bit.. oh no wait..that quite a bit is an understatement :D I've been eating a lot lately, and as a matter of fact, I have been rewarded with one measly pound! Oh but it's at least one pound! :) Something that I've worked for for how many weeks now :)) haha. I know it sounds all pathetic, but one of my ultimate dreams in life really, is to gain a little bit more fat, because at least everyday, I'd get comments like: You're so skinny! Or your waistline's as big as my thigh! or What's your waistline - 20? -- Haha.. Kinda gets tiring to keep on getting those comments, and besides, I also want to gain weight myself, not just because people are telling me I look anorexic :) Food also has been my new stress relief and frustrations zapper. Everytime I'm frustrated with Math or with my day, I simply stop by at McDo or SBC and buy myself a lot of food. Even my ate and the baristas at Seattle's Best think I eat a lot - and it's funny how I consume my food oh - so - very -quickly. :) Oh yes, eating is one of my passions, even though it doesn't really show, but believe me - I'm falling in love with it day by day :)

ladies and gentlemen, I am officially in college

2005-10-06T23:21:00.000+08:00

Ironically, it took me four months to let things sink in that I am indeed a college student. I have never studied so hard in my entire life, nor have I ever studied for exams that are weeks away. Since last week, I've started reading my ridiculously thick handouts for my Lit final, and I've been reading stuff for Filipino as well, with the hopes that by finals week, everything will be slightly breezier for me. I went home at ten pm tonight, for I came from Starbucks, here in Commonwealth, studying my butt off for Lit and Fil (while pondering on how stressful my Math LT was earlier this morning). I have never felt so mentally exhausted in my life. I have also never felt so stupid. Math is making me think and feel that my brain has no capacity for arithmetic understanding anymore. It was as if my brain deteriorated on purpose once I stepped into college life. It's thoroughly depressing. I guess this is how failing is. My only aim for math now: is to pass his subject. That's it. My dreams of becomming a dean's lister is now down the drain, and hopefully, its soul will be resurrected by next semester. I just can't wait for the Sem Break - Boracay will truly and surely zap my stress away. Let the waves take away all my problems and worries, and refresh and revitalize my ego for the next semester. =)

the feeling of inadequacy

2005-10-05T23:14:00.000+08:00

This is the feeling I terribly hate, and if I might add: I try my best hard to avoid. For how many days now, I've been finding myself spacing out occasionally, and I saw this as a bad sign. Two months I've been completely fine, and then now, everything just follows me back once more. No, this is not a post-breakup depression thingy.. it's simply a me-with-a-lot-of-issues depression thingy. My journal entry title says it all. My insecurities flood back again - the part of me which I haven't faced in the longest time. My depression with my dad also comes in - something which I thought I would never have to deal with again. Last Sunday you see, was my little sister's birthday. My dad actually gave her a gift - something which I never got from him in my entire life - a birthday gift. I thought about it, and I remembered my older sister having my dad around during her debut, and now, my little sister, enjoying a present from my dad on her birthday. I have always been the odd one out. It made me realize that my two sisters got the 'taste' of having him as a dad. I never did. It just hit me how much I've been wanting a real father all these years. Someone whom I can talk to and stuff. I guess I'll never have that. It's sad. It's sickening. It's inevitable as hell.

sucky things about being human

2005-10-05T00:41:00.000+08:00

Awhile ago, I decided to go through my old blog which was in Tabulas. I can't believe how I used to write - sucky, completely disorganized, and sadly, lacks cohesion. :) I browsed through my previous entries, and for a split second, I think a tear was trying its best to squirm out of my eye. It just felt weird how each day brings a totally different experience. I saw how my tests used to be back in high school, how I kept on blabbing about how I missed *him*, and how I got so frustrated here at home. A lot has indeed changed since my senior year. What also touched me was the fact that I saw my younger self extremely happy with him before. I found myself smiling but wanting to cry. I found myself wondering if we didn't break up, would I still be feeling that kind of happiness? I'd be a hypocrite if I'd say that I don't miss the feeling of being happy with and because of someone. For two months now, my singlehood has been treating me well, but sometimes I just can't help but feel lonely -- ahh, the sucky part of being a human being -- having the capacity and ability to feel human emotions, and having the great difficulty of hiding what you truly feel. A part of me wanted so badly to turn back time; to return to 'what has been' and 'what used to be'. I missed those days when someone would surprise you with a phone call; when someone would just care about you being home or wondering whether you're asleep already or you're cramming some pathetic El Fili homework for the next day. I read this line in one of my entries in tabulas: oh God please don't let this be a temporary high -- unfortunately, it was. It was a temporary high that lasted for 7 months of my life. Those 7 months seem to be more of like an eternity. I'm back to being the old me -- completely engrossed in school work, and barely thinking about love craps. But everytime I'm in school, the very things that I hopelessly and tirelessly try to avoid keep on appearing in front of me - couples everywhere, and their sweet laughter resounding in my ears. Another sucky thing about being a human being - the ability to feel what other people feel. My best friend is currently preparing a surprise for her boyfriend - by golly do I miss that. Being all worried about what to give a special someone, thinking tirelessly about how you're going to execute that surprise. Those days are gone.

Sometimes I ask myself if I was really in love.. or was I just in love with the feeling of love. I guess it was both, believing that both come hand in hand, and both are inevitably inevitable. Lex tells me he'll come 'round soon enough. I don't wanna wait, nor do I want to think about it. I'm tired of thinking about these kinds of things, for I know, this is not my only source of happiness, contentment, and fulfillment. I know all these things. But still.. One of the suckiest things about being human? When you start feeling lonely and looking for love. I'm not looking for it, but yes, I am feeling quite lonely sometimes. Sucky. But True. Inevitable as hell.

my Ateneo de Manila Personal Essay :)

2005-10-04T23:28:00.000+08:00

They say that experiences are life’s best teachers – cliché, but true. As a sixteen year old adolescent, I can say that I have had lots of these: good, bad, some worth remembering, others – worth dumping in the trashcan; but nevertheless, they have all honed and molded me into the person I am now. As I write this essay, different things about me are going to come up. Some – shocking…others? You go figure out for yourself. As a child I have always remembered that I loved performing in front of an audience. My family has always said that I was a “born performer”. My first ever proof of this was when our directress at NS Montessori told me that I was going to be the emcee at our Christmas Program. Wow! Hello, limelight! I stood there on the stage with all my flashcards wearing my orange Tinkerbel-ish dress. The feeling was exhilarating. I couldn’t wait to speak. All these emotional butterflies were on a fly trip inside my stomach: there were happiness, anxiety, and excitement. This experience hit me on the head: I am the type of person who loves to talk. True enough, I always have been. (*For reference and proof, please see Programs of Study part of application form*) Debate Adrenaline Rush – noun. A feeling experienced by debaters when they are speaking, about to speak, or when the topic is given and you have to prepare for it. I have experienced this feeling. I have been part of the SHS Debating Guild for four straight years now, and I can say, this feeling is really something. It has enabled me to think faster, produce essays a whole lot faster than anyone else, and to have a broader and a more critical mind about things. Somehow my way of thinking has developed – morphed more likely into a more serious and complex one. Being a debater, I feel that this is one of my biggest opportunities to show the world that I have the knack for speaking. I don’t know, but I just love it. This club has also proved to me that I want to be a speaker someday - someone who would give talks in schools and the like. Communicating has always been my passion. After debates, I have this sense of completion and fulfillment. You’ve spoken for seven minutes…big deal; but the fact that you actually said something substantial, the fact that you actually spoke your mind, those 7 minutes would give you a Post-It on your back saying: Good Job or You Actually Said Your Opinion so to speak. Like I said, I have always loved performing. As a part of this performing thing of mine, I would also like to share my passion for singing – nope, not the Singing in the Bathroom passion (but it works for me too ) but the performing type of singing. I have joined 3 singing contents. One of them I won first place, the other, second, and the last…well…let’s just say that the judges didn’t really give a ranking. Every time my friends would tell me to sing, I go: “Okay, sige ba. Sinong tutugtog sa gitara?” I was never ashamed to sing in front of people. There’s just something in the crowd that I love. Each time people ask me to sing, dance, or deliver something: I was always game. I have really found my passion. Down to the serious side of things. I always thought that my life would be the kind that goes down in a straight, smooth line. You can see the beautiful evergreen pine trees outlining the path you are taking. Yes, there are storms, but you can easily surpass them. Like I said: “I thought.” I was the perfectionist type of girl. I’ve always wanted everything to be a-ok. I thought my life was going according to plan – peachy, simple, ecstatic…but I was wrong…dead wrong. This specific experience hit me so hard on the head, that up to now, I can still feel the poor lump that was formed. My dad left our house last June 30th, 2002. Shocking, yes. Was it hard? I thought it would be easy, seeing that I never really had any emotional attachment with him (e.g. Father dear would drop going to Daughter’s Graduation for Golf). I thought, “Yes, no more tension in the house.” Yes, the tension did leave, and we had more peace; but I never thought that not having a father would have a tremendous impact on me. Sometimes I can feel tiny teardrops itching to scamper out of my eyes whenever I see little kids with their fathers, playing around and just having fun. Thoughts in my head that say: why couldn’t our family be like that swim across my mind; but after 2 years have elapsed, I have learned to deal with it. I have learned to accept the fact that my father is like this and that he would always be like that. We tried to change him into the dad we used to know; but our efforts were always wasted. I believe this experience has greatly upgraded my faith into a Pentium 5. This experience has also hit me that life isn’t perfect. I never believed that I would be in the category of “dysfunctional family person”; but I’m not ashamed of this. I can proudly say that I have become a better individual because of this experience. I have been stronger, and I’ve never seen my sisters and mom bond together so much. I guess God does work in mysterious ways. There’s always a pot of gold waiting at the end of the rainbow. The pressures of adolescence have never hit me until my junior year. I mean, I’ve had friends from other schools and stuff because of debate, but I’ve never had other friends before. I thought that my journey would be a straight line, but then again, it became curvier than ever. I’ve had my share of heartaches. Yeah, call me sappy, but these experiences have really helped me a lot: from dealing with life, down to seeing how real the world can get. There’s something deeper to be found in these ugly things. You get to become stronger and smarter. I know I have changed into a better person after experiencing these things. I’ve finally developed my “street smart” attitude. I have also known how to deal with these happenings. Thank you, heartache. All these things: horrifying experiences, happy moments, etcetera have defined me into a person that I know I am proud of. All my contests and performances, all my problems and headaches, I know, God made me experience all of these in order to learn the reality of life. The saying “life isn’t perfect” is so true, so simple, yet so substantial. Once I step out of the dreary cocoon of high school life, I’d be stepping into a new journey – my journey through college. I have always wanted to study in the Ateneo, for I know that my skills would be perfectly honed in this school. No matter how hard my dad has been pushing me to go to another university, I just couldn’t see myself not studying in my dream school. Every time I go to the Ateneo, I go: “This will be my university. My future will be molded here. This will be my foundation.” I know that this university will really enable me to become the best person I can be. Hopefully, I’d be able to get in. I know I’d be happy to write it down as a part of My Life’s Greatest Achievements. I am proud to be me…no pretensions. I soon am about to be a 17-year old. What’s going to happen to me? Who knows? Nobody does; but I know that I can still continue making a difference. - this was my ateneo essay... my mom and ate think it's nice.. haha..

when everything seems to be catching up..

2005-10-04T21:41:00.000+08:00

Lately I've been heck of a busy woman - I've been studying in advance for my Lit final (because I have thick handouts to finish), been making notes for Fil, and I've been doing things I've never thought I'd be doing. Lately I've also been super tired - I've been studying in McDo Katipunan, and my hands have never been tired in my entire life. I've been doing relatively okay to say the least. I'm still happy, although sometimes I find myself in my usual spacing out habits, or staring at corners, secretly visualizing faces and moments in my life. Usually I'm my happy and giddy self, trying hard not think about the crappiness that life has been bringing me. But sometimes (like days like these) I can't help but think about stuff - stuff that I have tried so hard to avoid. I guess avoiding really does have its detriments - things you try to avoid tend to catch up with you whenever you're alone. Whenever I'm alone in my house I feel as if everything's closing in on me. Before I sleep, I find myself thinking about things once more and ponder on them for fifteen minutes or so, until I fall asleep. Yes, the falling asleep part sounds really nice (and good); unfortunately, I tend to have dreams about my thoughts afterwards, which really is the sucky part. Oh well.. Enough with these emo thoughts =) I just felt like pouring out my thoughts - nothing like a good journal entry matched with emo-ness =)

Last week by the way was one of my most eventful days in my life =) I went to LaSalle Greenhills for Lex's music project - they had to dance the waltz in form of a debut thing, and naturally, they needed a 'real' girl - so voila, yours truly was the debutante at 17 :D It feels good actually, because I know I'll never get to have a debut, unlike my older sister (oh finances..haha). Thankfully my twin thought of me to become their debutante, so I had the experience of being one for about fifteen minutes ;) Very. Eventful. Indeed. =)

Haha.. it was a very hilarious experience. The guys seemed as if it was their first time to see a real live woman in the flesh =)) One guy even shouted: 'pare babae ba yun?' Haha.. It was just really funny :) I had fun coz their teacher was really war, and 4A was the best =) I also got to meet up with my friends over there: Carlo, Io, Johnz (go Pasaway!), Raffy, Bert, Rob, Ruigi, Nathan (oh faithful alumni :P ), Miguel, Edu, Charles, Troy (oh and if I forgot you.. I'm really sorry :D), and a whole lot more I guess. :) Basta to wrap the whole thing up: it was a good day indeed. :)

Anyway, so far these are the only things that have been 'exciting' for me.. I'll keep ya guys posted if ever something comes up again. Cheers=)

study hard..party harder! =)

2005-09-25T20:12:00.000+08:00

I ended my week perfectly. After spending my days studying that awfully voluminous handout that Sir Lopez gave us to read, practicing for this math lesson that I barely understand, and listening to long discussions about how we should write our final paper for Lit, Friday became my savior. At first I thought the Amp Party was going to be a waste of time. The theme was Drag Promenade, wherein girls get to wear guys' clothing, and guys get to look tremendously hot in gowns and leg-popping skirts :D I had the impression that only us Doc N Pub kids were the ones who were gonna go with the whole theme thing. When we got there, it turns out, almost everyone dressed up! Our father Jaton wore this red tank top and black skirt, while Miko (oh yes... he.. or she? haha was the hottest!) wore this purple gown which suited him perfectly. Reg wore a three-fourths top with matching skirt, while other people like Exo or Rayms wore Filipiniana-ish gowns which made them look really hot =) I on the other hand, wore jeans, Jaton's white polo, Francis' black necktie, and Sim's black hat, which according to some people, made me look like Michael Jackson. (haha) We had drinks (red horse and sanmig light babeh!), pizza and spaghetti (which I seriously wolfed down as to satisfy my appetite), then afterwards we started singing along with the karaoke thingy! Oh my.. I don't know if it was the alcohol or if it was simply because I was completely enjoying my night, but I just sang my heart out, and we were all literally screaming! Haha.. Oh and eeww! The grossest songs in the world! Like Total Eclipse of the Heart, Laklak (which the guys sang beautifully by the way :), and Backstreet Boy songs which I never thought I'd be singing out loud. Oh and Britney Spears dropped by as well =) Despite the fact that I had transpo problems on my way home that caused my ate to get pissed at me (but everything's all good now), my night couldn't have been more perfect. This was probably one of the best parties I've been to in the longest time because I had the chance to let loose and to just be myself. Hopefully the next one would bring the same feeling for me.. coz believe me, it feels so darn good ;)

adventures =)

2005-09-21T23:41:00.000+08:00

One of the greatest things about being a college student (especially if one of your close friends has a car) is that you get to have a lot of free time, and by having this, you'd be able to roam around (and when I mean around I mean Libis, the whole Katipunan stretch and so on.. use your imagination :) We're jampacked with meetings late in the afternoon, and why not spend your 3 hours of waiting in let's say.. Eastwood with Anna, Mye, and Nan? :D haha.. Yes, we the Fourettes have once again embarked on a journey, on board Nan's magical dreamy Silver Honda Jazz. The four of us went to Eastwood to hangout and roam around..haha .. I know, Eastwood isn't really the place to "roam around" due to the fact that it basically almost has nothing, except for a few number of expensive and impractical shops. Nevertheless, I still enjoyed the gimmick thoroughly, because I spent the whole afternoon with my very dear friends. This made me think however, of my highschool barkada, for I haven't been spending time with them lately (more like..in the longest time). I began to miss them thoroughly, and I wondered why we're not able to do these kinds of stuff.. Maybe I guess we're just all busy and our schedules don't match sad to say. And I guess it's because they're also caught up in their own college lives (or boyfriends? haha).. they probably have their new set of friends as well.. nevertheless.. I still miss them :s Oh well.. I'm hoping I'd be able to spend my time with them..

Anyway, on another note, I am still proud to say that my happiness is still inherent, thank you very much =) (fingers crossed..knock on wood). No, it's not because of some guy walking around in school, but I don't know.. I just feel fulfilled somehow, and I'd like to think this is God's doing of some sort? I know it's all crappy and religiously sick..but hey, it's an unexplainable happiness that I've never really felt in my whole life. I'm just thankful I'm feeling this way, and hopefully, it'll continue to be this way =)

right

2005-09-19T20:53:00.000+08:00

Awhile ago, Dino made me read one of his journal entries that spoke about Serendipity, and how it talks about people finding valuable things when they least expect it (or something like that). It said something about how we should allow ourselves to enjoy moments and to not think for once - that we should take risks and grab opportunities, as they don't come along everyday, so as to avoid feeling guilty and stupid in the end, and to avoid asking the irritatingly overused question: what if? After reading what he wrote, it made me think.. and I found myself feeling proud of what I do as a risk-taker. I have no regrets in what I do, and I don't blame others for how I act - this is me, and I accept things as they are. I try my best to enjoy moments as they are, and try not to think afterwards. Sometimes thinking about things merely complicates things. Well yes, using your brain is helpful, but using too much of it ruins moments. I'm just wishing that other people can see this as well.. I hate it when things get complicated. Why can't things just be simple.. why can't they just stay the way they are?

a moment's reflection (wait i do this all the time..haha)

2005-09-13T21:00:00.000+08:00

The beautiful thing about being the observant me is that I get to have the privilege to reflect about everything that transpires around my pathetically-skinny body. Spending my time with some of my friends have made me think a lot about life and all the whatevers and whatnots that college life has to offer. For the past few weeks right after the whole breakup, I sadly started pitying myself, thinking I was the most unfortunate person in the planet (or in the Ateneo community anyway). It seemed as if everything was just all crappy and nothing nice seemed to happen to me. In tagalog terms: parang patung-patong lahat. It was as if my life turned into this horrible piece of fecal matter. But then I guess it was partly my fault all the same - I failed to focus on all the good things around me. I neglected other people, thinking I was strong enough to handle everything on my own. The result? 80% spacing out the whole day and acquiring a new addition to my collection : the mask. No, it's not the literal thing that's made out of plastic that you can attach rubber bands on the side to place it on your face, but it's the figurative, over-used term that is used to represent people who have been pretending or hiding from what's real. For days I would catch myself staring blankly into oblivion, wondering about numerous things and about what's going to happen next. I felt helpless and emotionally frustrated. But after that fight with my mom, I realized something that I don't know how exactly I came to realize. Since then, I've been well.. not perfectly, but I've been doing better. I can concentrate much better now.. I've been having more focus on my studies lately.. and for some strange reason: I have been so optimistic! My golly! Hey, I'm not complaining, but I'm just not used to it haha.. True and non-hypocritely speaking (whattaterm..) I do find myself still spacing out a little bit.. or I still catch myself missing everything that has happened in my past, but hey, it's just normal. But I'm smart enough to know now that what's done is done - you can't change them.. and all you can do (and have to do) is to move on and try to look forward to what lies ahead of you.

On a different note, I just also had this teensy bit of observation: everytime I'm happy, it seems as if my other friends are the ones who are frustrated. Awhile ago I was with a friend of mine, and I felt extremely helpless seeing that person look so sad. I wasn't used to seeing him like that.. I knew that he tried to look as if he's doing fine, but that look in his eyes told me that things weren't going as smoothly for him as people think. For a moment there, I knew I could feel what he felt, because just last week, I was like that. I just hate it when things are like this. I'd rather be in their shoes, rather than stay in mine. I am happy, but seeing the people that I care about having a hard time coping with life makes me sad all the same. That's why right now, I'm trying my best to make my friends feel special, because the last thing I need is for another special person in my life to feel frustrated and all that crap.

I think this is all for now. Today I spent my time with the people I wanted to spend it with, so I can say this was a good day altogether. Hopefully what tomorrow will bring will be the same.. or if God feels like blessing me, hopefully with something much, much better =)

...

2005-09-10T19:22:00.000+08:00

Who knew that after having a fight with my mom, it would actually lead me to learn how to let go of things (and of people) without anger. I got so depressed the other day (Thursday) because of my mom (it's a long story), so my ate and I spent time at Seattle's Best the whole night, because my mom asked us to fetch our ninong from the airport (whose flight arrival was 10:40pm..goodluck). At that night, I realized that I have been focusing too much on the bad things that have been happening to me. I also realized that I haven't really learned to let go and to just drop everything. I have been too angry.. too angry at myself for being so stupid and nice? haha.. and too angry at the people who have inflicted so much damage to me emotionally. So I decided to text the two people whom I never thought I would text again. Both of them, I just had to let go. I realized that I would only be "free" and probably start being happy if I just learn to forgive. I know letting go is one of the hardest things that people have to do, but then I realized, with my anger still inherent, my feeling of depression and sadness will still continue to eat me up inside. Thankfully they both replied. The other person replied the next day though, and it actually felt good. Though I may not be friends with them anymore, I know in my heart that I parted ways with them without any bitterness. Maybe in the future I'd learn to be their friend again..who knows. I know now I'm not yet ready to go back to the way we were before (friends and comfortable and that kind of sh*t). Now I can officially say: I am over what happened. =)

I'm slowly teaching myself new things as of the moment. I'm starting to feel much happier lately because I've been focusing on the good things that I have now: my family..my friends.. my crush(es)? bwahhaa rar! .. and a whole lot more. Last night at my friend's birthday party, everyone else was paired up with their own boylets and what-nots. I kind of felt lonely at some point, but oh well.. it was still good to see old friends that I've missed so much. (Gino!!!, Yas, Mai, Marc, Urrah, Sai, Jan - hoy hahaha, DJ, Max, Bea, Meryl, Ron, and of course Iza the birthday princess =) Although it did suck that I had to go home after two hours of spending my time there.. Imagine : I spent an hour preparing for that party, then it turns out my mom would badger me again to go home early! Haha.. Oh well.. Like I said: my social life is completely stagnant as of the moment. Oh well. :D

Lately I've been finding myself to be not so spaced out anymore - this is a good sign babeh! :) And lately I've been trimming down my pretending of being happy..because guess what: I'm beginning to feel that genuine happiness. Hopefully it'll continue to be that way =)

:)

2005-09-04T20:36:00.000+08:00

I think I'm starting to feel better now :) and hopefully, I've gotten the closure that I needed (thanks to a special friend of mine - sobrang thanks!)

FOR MY BARKADA FROM HIGH SCHOOL:

1. Yas - for being my best friend since nursery.. You have been such a great friend, and I'd like to thank you for that.. You're the thoughtful one when it comes to my birthday (like thinking about the surprises and stuff) and I love you for that :) Thanks for making me feel soo special!

2. Jules - my bestfriend since highschool. Even if we've had our tough times, we still manage to stay friends. :) I'm happy for you and Enzo dear! :) Thank you for being my kikay mate :D haha

3. Den - wahh I miss ya sexy biatch! :D nyehehe.. Even if I've known you for only 3 years, I know you're a friend worth keeping. I love ya girl and thanks for always cheering me up :)

4. Kim - waah.. kaw rin I miss you lots too.. You're one of the people who has taught me how to be strong and how to be maangas when it comes to problems.. Thanks dear :) Also, thanks for always remembering me ;)

5. Angel - haha.. kaw forever miss laughing :) Thank you for always being optimistic. You have no idea how proud I am of you Miss Archi student :)

MY ATENEAN FRIENDS:

*Fourettes

1. Mye -shet girl! Thanks sobra for everything.. for being so supportive and for being such a great listener. You have no idea how thankful I am that I got a friend like you! :)

2. Nan - girl.. You have made me laugh so hard this past few weeks, and I love you for that. Thanks for the tambay moments at your place :) I'm looking forward to more of those :D

3. Anna - haha..your burp's the bomb promise! :) Thank you for comforting me after our math midterms.. thanks talaga :)

4. Jaton - hoy .. hahaha :) Thanks for being such an understanding committee head.. for making me laugh when I'm alone n the bench :D haha.. oh.. and thanks in advance for the CD =)

5. Jan - haay.. I have a lot to say to you.. grabe thanks a lot sobra for all your support.. for listening to my crap over the phone.. for meeting up with me in school whenever I need your help and stuff.. Thanks for always being there :)

6. Bern - though I have only known you for 3 months, I know you are one of the most trustworthy people I know. Thank you for being my shoulder to cry on right after that dreadful breakup. =)Thank you also for sharing a lot about your life to me :)

7. Justin (g.) - hey jus! Haha.. Thanks for being my practical conscience. You have never failed to be there for me and for hitting me hard in the head. Thanks also for helping me out in my writing!

8. Rafael - dude I really don't know why the heck you're here! Haha.. I guess you were always there for me huh? You never forget to make me feel annoyed kay Paa..or sayo? Hihi. Thanks anyways :)

FOR MY FRIENDS THAT I'VE MET SINCE HIGH SCHOOL :)

1. Karl - haay karl.. thanks for everything.. for visiting me here at home .. for always being there sobra.. basta you have no idea how thankful I am for having a great person like you in my life.. You've kept me going ;)

2. Ace - hoy bruho :P haha thanks for being a great promdate and a great friend :) wuhoo..kaya natin to chong diba? :)

3. Justin (rivera) - even though we've been through some crap (haha), you have never failed to be there for me, and I'm thankful for that. Kitakits tayo aryt? :)

4. Poncee - haay.. we have been through so much, and I'm so glad we're still friends, inspite of what happened between us before. You are one of the most self-sacrificing people I know, and I'm really blessed that I have you in my life. Thanks again :)

5. Reb - even if we don't talk that much anymore, I still know that you're there. You have never failed to make me laugh :)

6. Lex - my twin! Thank you so much for everything. You have always taught me to give more credit to myself. Really, thanks a lot. You also never fail to be there for me, and you are one of the strongest and most optimistic people I know.

7. Nathan - hey dude! I know we haven't talked in the longest time, but thank you for listening to me each time I shed a tear. You are always there for me, especially through my toughest times, and for that, I am very much grateful.

8. Marian - haay bruha.. Salamat sa lahat ng ginawa mo para sa akin.. I really appreciate them, especially right after the breakup, you always told me that I should be strong and you always monitored how I was.. thank you talaga :)

9. Coco - hey beautiful! Thanks for monitoring me din after the whole crappy night. Thanks for always supporting me in everything that I do. :) Cheers to you and Dan!

10. Iza - thanks for always supporting me. Thank you for also thinking that I'm strong. I guess I can get my strength back from the people who truly care for me - you're one of them :)

11. Ant - bessy! Kahit nalilimutan mo na ako ngayon! Hehe.. You are prolly the guy I know for the longest time, and you know me very well. Thank you for accepting me for who I am - for all my mistakes, for all my shortcomings, and for all my drama :)

12. Arjay - you never fail to forget.. and I really like that about you. You never gave up on the friendship that we have. Thank you for always remembering, even if at times, I neglect you. :s

13. Android - man, you have always been there for me. Salamat sa lahat. Words can never express how thankful I am that I have you as my friend. :) Dahil sayo, marami akong natutunan. :)

14. Carlo Sibs - hey dude.. you are one of the people who have really been there for me. I also thank you for inviting me to your prom (wuhoo!).. oh and thanks for always comforting me everytime I feel like crap. Always remember I'm always here to return the favors :)

FOR MY FAMILY:

1. Mom - You are simply perfect. I can never be more proud. You are simply the strongest woman I know, and thank you for just being there. :)

2. Ate Eds - wahaha..Kasama ko sa kalokohan! Thanks girl for everything - for standing up for me, for wanting to punch all those jerks who have pissed me off so badly, and for simply being there for me :) muah!

3. CJ - my little angel: thank you for bringing laughter into this home and for always being so thoughtful :)

and to God - for giving me all these people (and for those whom I failed to mention, don't worry, all of you are still in my heart :)

whee..haha so emo I know..but hey, one always has to look back and thank the people who has shaped him/her into what he/she is right now :)

of being alone..

2005-09-03T19:40:00.000+08:00

People always look for this thing called love at one point in our lives, our hearts yearn for something that we see everywhere: two pairs of hands holding in a coffee shop, or stolen kisses given by a guy with a huge smile on his face. I believe I am stuck in this hateful stage right now - because I thought I found it already. I used to think I've found it, but then I lost it. But it made me think again - did I really find it? Or was I just merely deceived by the sugar-coated image of love?

We always want to know what it feels like - the feeling when you hold hands with someone you really love, the feeling when you lay your lips against someone you feel strongly for, or the sensation whenever his warm finger caresses your bare arm. I know the feeling - and the emotions brought about by these simple acts of love are incredibly indescribable. It's as if your heart is going to burst, and for that moment, perfection is attained. The smile on my face was very hard to erase, and all the images of those moments would cling to every part of every neuron of my brain. Adidas was right - Impossible is nothing. I had my own world at that moment, and nobody can stop me from the happiness that I was feeling.

I sit now at the SEC bench wondering when I'd be able to have those moments again. I know they say one should not go looking for love, because love will come for you during the right time. I think now that what I felt before is going to be incomparable compared to what I'm going to feel when my prince charming will come - someone who would really treat me like a princess, one who wouldn't take me for granted and walk to meters away from me when we're together at the mall, unlike someone I used to know who didn't talk to me properly just because I was sabog. I know this prince charming, whoever he is, would treat me like a real lady, who would at least give me a birthday present, or who would make me feel beautiful all the time. Because I have never felt this. I guess now isn't the right time for love to come again. Maybe I was too keen at the attention before, I simply allowed myself to open up too much, thus causing me to fall into something people have been having bad vibes on. I don't know really. I know that what I need right now is closure. Because I feel as if I'm not at peace with everything that's been transpiring lately. Maybe what I need now is something that would make me feel as if I'm not neglected. I feel as if now I am back to being this invisible person. Someone who can only keep on dreaming, while everyone else has it happening for them. Now I feel like crying. I feel so small..so small as if everyone else is on top and unreachable. I know I'm over what happened (because I know I deserve someone so much better), although I still feel like I got a lot of concerns hanging in midair. I feel like I'm back to where I started. I'm currently crushing on someone right now - just saw him actually - but I just felt like I'm back to being the old me - the ME - categorized under "little people" and my crush categorized under "demi god".

My insecurities flood back in, and I just feel extremely small. My life is turning into something that I can't describe. It's turning into something not necessarily good. I'm beginning to feel as if I am never be good enough for anyone (or anything for that matter). I spent the whole day alone (well just some parts of it). I waited for my friend alone. I ate and studied at Starbucks alone, and now I am just by myself once more. I've never felt so alone in my life, even if I am surrounded by a lot of people. Lately I've been pathetically spending my time alone watching people walk around and talk while they're laughing their butts off. Jaton's right - I am such an "emo" person. I've got a lot going on in my head right now, but when people try to talk to me, I suddenly forget what I'm supposed to say. Whenever I feel like talking to someone already, everyone else seems to be too busy. It's as if I need to cry everything out at the perfect time (with a person most preferrably). My walls and my bed are too tired to listen to me already. My pillow's too soaked. I need someone. I just don't know who. The only friend I could really talk to out of the blue (mr. jerk sadly), I've lost him. Now everything just seems to be so complicated, and the last thing I need is for someone to hurt me, and for some crappy thing to happen.

--I wrote this yesterday while I was waiting for my mom to arrive.. Being alone makes me feel so emo. But it also allows me to be myself for once.

about a friend

2005-08-29T11:11:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I thought I still cared for this person, but by the way he treated me, I realized how dumb I was for thinking that he could still be my friend. I thought that by talking to him about my problems, things would be better for me, that I'd actually feel better afterwards. I thought he'd talk to me the way he used to talk to me before when I felt down in the dumps. I WAS WRONG. He talked to me as if I was nothing, and as if I was just a nobody. His advice was too practical, too soon for me to do. I feel as if it just hit him suddenly that he wasn't the guy he wants to be. I realized that I am better off without him. He told me that if I had frustrations, I should stop whining and I should start doing something about it. I know he's right, but by the way he "sounded" it was as if he was driving me away. He never talked to me like that before, and then I realized, he's worthless. It would really be better off if we never talked again. Because I know, even my friendship - I don't think he deserves to have it. Good riddance, that's what I would like to call it. And I'm not being bitter about it. In fact, I feel really good, because now I know, I really DO NOT deserve to be a doormat.

In the Princess Diaries, Joe told Mia this line : "nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent". I realized that I've been allowing people to make me feel inferior. I've been giving them the chance of hurting me and the chance of taking me for granted. I never deserved to be treated in that way, because I know I am worth so much more. Then I realized, if he did care for me so much, he wouldn't be treating me like this. He's so manhid, so emotionless. Last night, I felt this great surging anger inside of me. I hated myself for allowing people to treat me this way. Then afterwards, I started pitying him. I would never want to end up like him. Someone who thinks he's strong because he can easily get over things and because he doesn't feel anything. I would never want to NOT feel anything. That's just inhuman. I did not write this down because I wanted the whole world to know how angry I am at this certain friend of mine, or that he's a bad person or whatever (because I know he's not). This is just how I feel. Maybe he's only like this to me, who knows. But I'm still thankful that for the duration of the time that I knew him, I was able to see a side of him that I know, no one would be able to see again.

I'm lost..

2005-08-25T22:02:00.000+08:00

For almost a month now, things have been throughly challenging for me. Math is being a pain in the butt really (I failed my midterm by 5 points.. 5 points .. and I studied for how long? 5 hours), I've been missing a lot of people close to me, and the worst part is, I'm having a difficult time handling the things that have been happening to me. A couple of weeks ago, I found out that there was a very big chance that I would be leaving for Las Vegas. I thought it was just one of my mom's plans.. but I guess this time, it could be for real. I suddenly had memories flash through my brain. I remembered how much my friends meant to me.. and I never wanted to leave this country, even if it is down in the dumps already. My life is here. Only here. And I don't want to leave. The sucky part about my whole dilemma right now is that I can't even pinpoint exactly what my problem is. I know I have lots of them, because I can feel it, but somehow when people ask me, I find myself thinking what they really are. I feel so lost.. so confused. I find myself asking if I'm really okay.. but something tells me I'm not. I've been laughing quite usually now.. but whenever I'm alone, I feel as if I've been lying to everyone else : I am not okay. I find it hard lately to open up to people because I'm always afraid that they might think that what I have to say is BS or it's pointless..and I know everyone else has his/her own problems to handle, and I know they don't need to dwell on mine. I cried awhile ago. I realized how much I miss Rich, and I remembered before that whenever I felt really down, I could just text him, and he'll call, right to the rescue. I remember him asking me the next day "musta na love ko?" or "how was your sleep last night?".. but now these are all gone, and they'll just be a part of my memories with him. One of the people whom I could also talk to as well is now avoiding me (mr Jerk remember him? hehe). I miss my friendship with him.. And then everything rewinds back to Rich so great :D haha.. Oh crap and I remember how his laugh goes.. and it was the only thing that could cheer me up whenever I felt so lost before. But now everything's so different.. so stormy. I miss being cared for.. Lately I've been trying to open up to people, but they just seem to blow me off. They end up saying stuff like "kaya mo yan..bawi nalang".. the usual cliches.. and I just can't seem to feel that I'm really cared for. (except for maybe a select few like Jan or Mye ..thanks u guys). I can't even talk to my family, coz I know they hate seeing me like this, and we got far more less shallow problems of our own. I just feel so alone, even when I'm surrounded by a lot of people; I feel so unhappy, even if I'm smiling on the facade. I need to figure this out fast coz it's starting to drive me crazy..and the last thing I need is to run away from my problems because I know that's never the best way to tackle them. I just miss being happy :s

weirdo emo part II :)

2005-08-22T20:42:00.000+08:00

Okay..that previous entry was just me and my emo-ish self.. I love being alone sometimes because it allows me to really think and be selfish for awhile.. but I also hate being alone, coz when I think too much, I tend to be like my previous entry! :D Eww.. I sound sooo crazy.. Actually right now I think I'm doing so much better. I had my physics long test awhile ago (hopefully I did well) and I actually didn't cry today! :) and yesterday! hehehe wuhoo! Be proud! :D

You guys might think that it took me just 2 weeks to get over you-know-who.. coz I ended up liking this other hmm jerk? Actually to tell you the truth, I don't think I'm over mr 7months yet.. I think the reason why I allowed myself to be open to mr Jerk is because I thought he would treat me better and I realized that I should be treated better. I do hope you don't get the wrong idea that it takes me like a zap to forget about someone.. No sirreeh. It's just that I'm trying to keep my options open.. But I'm not yet ready to jump into a relationship - nor am I ready to commit to someone again. I just want to keep my options open. Period. :) Kapeesh?

I got my advisory marks today.. I got okay in English and a flashy B+ in Lit! :) Unfortunately, Math had to make my day = my first ever F in my life. :( Zoiks! :s I got so depressed.. But thankfully my friends, mom & ate, and jaton came to the rescue. I feel better now :) So thanks! =)

Right now I'm chatting with Mye and Jan.. Oh yeah.. Mye: thanks so much dear for sympathizing! :D I love ya! hehehe :D Sabawish entry? Yeah tell me about it.. still hafta study for Fil! Booyeah!

weirdo emo

2005-08-22T20:10:00.000+08:00

Today, I didn't feel the slightest bit of depression.. My day actually seemed almost normal, as if I didn't have any problems at all..

*then I walked by myself *

the feeling of loneliness eats me up little by little..

*memories flood back in*

I struggled to hold the tears back.. told myself I should be okay

*then 7 months of love haunted me back.. I kept on walking*

I tried my best to blur out the images in my head..

*my mind screamed: you need to find closure with the other person*

"but he told me he didn't want to talk to me now"...

*do I really want closure? Or am I just seeking attention? *

" I miss him.. I miss the laugh of the person who made my heart flutter last January 21st"

* my mind tells me to move on..my heart tells me to stop.. I continue to walk*

Am I really over things? Or am I just pretending to be?

Am I really okay? Or am I just trying to be?

Should I still think about what happened.. or should I just learn to let go and move on.. because obviously.. He has.. he has..

I'm confused.

when people get hurt

2005-08-21T14:35:00.000+08:00

People get hurt in different aspects: we get hurt physically when we get a bruise from running like a stupid person and tumbling from a rock that gets in the way; we get hurt mentally when we studied so hard for let's say the math midterms, and we still had a hard time answering it; but for me, the worst hurt we can experience is when we get hurt emotionally: either by being emotionally-beaten up by someone, or when we get hurt because of this thing called love.

Why is there love? People say it's supposed to be the best thing on earth because it allows two people to connect, to be merry, and to go through challenges together. But how come it's the same thing that's making my heart crumble into pathetic little pieces right now? Should I still believe in something that keeps on coming and going? Maybe others were right as well. Change is the only thing that's permanent in this world. Love will never be.

I've been doing okay for the past few days, but then something unexpected had to happen. My heart fluttered once more, only to find out that this person won't be able to love me back..because his heart still lies with a different person. Such two days were really promising. I thought I was literally dreaming. He told me he wanted to see me so badly..that he wanted to embrace me and never let go. We were even supposed to go out this week, but hey, crap happens, and I'm back to where I started. I thought my crying days were over. I already realized that I did deserve to be treated so much better, that my worth was a lot; but then, I think I'll start to cry again. The sucky part is that I can't be selfish, and I choose not to be. I told him I wanted to slap him n the face, but then this morning I realized, I didn't want to lose him as a friend. The part that hurts me the most is that I wanna be happy for him. I want things to work out for him, and God knows how much I wanted things to work out between me and him. But I guess, that's just how things are. I just really thought that it could work. Everything was too perfect, too good to be true. I thought it was it.

And now I'm afraid to feel happiness once more. Coz everytime I feel happy, something always goes wrong. It's like God has this pasttime of tricking me and leading me on. That was how I felt last night when I read his text message. My world stopped, along with what we were supposed to have. I was led on. I was made to believe that all his promises would finally come to life. I allowed my doors to open up to someone whom I thought would never make me cry. Two heartbreaks in a month. Now that's something worth sharing in the future. I found myself drowning my sorrows in a glass of wine last night once more. My friends hate me for that, because everyone knows alcohol would never solve anything - it'll just make my face go red and make my heart beat four times faster than it should.

Now, I wouldn't know how to start over. I feel so lost, so confused, so tired. My heart is emotionally-exhausted from all this pain. Had I known things were gonna end up like this, I wouldn't have allowed myself to fall. Yes, I fell fast, and you might call me stupid..or dumb.. or bobo.. or whatever. But I just believe in this quote: Funny how we take for granted what we have now, and cry over things we have lost, for it is only when they're gone that we realize how important they are. Sieze the moment. It's not everyday we meet someone who catches our heart and makes us fly. - yours truly.

One special person in my life taught me that taking risks are what bravehearts do. I learned how to take risks. The funny thing is - the moment I learned how, I started getting hurt.

....

2005-08-15T19:54:00.000+08:00

I cried..

I wept..

I mourned..

I wished..

I prayed..

I stared..

I regretted..

I laughed..

I smiled..

I walked..

I reminisced..

I wondered..

I mourned..

I wept..

I cried..

I slept..

god on a pedestal

2005-08-14T14:57:00.000+08:00

Every emotion that can be felt through a certain performance is different. It is different when someone recites a poem at an Open Mic Night in some poetry cafe, or when someone acts in a live stage play, but when it comes to an artist expressing himself through the means of music, there is a totally different story taking place. The stage becomes a pedestal for a god to voice out the lyrics of his song accompanied by the profuse combinations of drum, bass, and guitar. You can feel the life coming out of the performer's mouth that makes you want to bust a move. The song becomes a poweful, soulful instrument that causes emotions to run high. In these fifteen minutes, the life is centered on the stage, and everyone gets mesmerized. This even is something that captures everyone - and the life the artists bring is brought about by a strum of a string, a strike of a drum, and a melody of a voice.

- I wrote this when we had our writing exercises yesterday at the writers' workshop..just thought I would share it :)

hangovers and angst-driven feelings

2005-08-13T20:06:00.000+08:00

This morning I woke up with a tremendously-aching head. Yes, it's my first hangover in my whole life :) Actually right now, I'm feeling kinda drunk..so pardon me if I write something really sabaw-ish.

Well the first thing that greeted me was his offline message in YM.. he said: sorry sira net ko. i'm doing okay naman. i'm at a cafe right now

wow..how romantic.. he just made it so much easier for me to get angry at him and to start getting rid of him in my head. Maybe I should just practice getting angry at him so that I can move on easily. I know it's wrong..but I feel like it's the only way I could think of.

*headache ouch*

I just drank one straight glass of white wine right now.. I know alcohol never solves anything. But sometimes it feels as if alcohol is the only thing that can understand you when you're really depressed. Oh no, I'm red.. Haha. I wanna lie down right now.. so that i'd fall asleep .. sometimes I wish I could just fall asleep forever. What could he be doing right now? What could he be thinking? I bet he's having a time of his life and he's not having a hard time coping with things..

how i'm holding up

2005-08-11T18:37:00.000+08:00

It's been four days since that dreadful Sunday, and I really don't know if I'm doing okay or not. Yesterday my mom and ate talked to me, and they just made it harder for me to choose whether or not I should just let go or still have hope for our relationship. Everytime people would tell me that I should look for someone else and that I should enjoy my singlehood, I just can't help but not enjoy the feeling. I don't know if it's because I'm this idealistic person, that I would only want one boyfriend and all that crap, or it's because I just really find it hard to " go looking for someone else ". Do people expect me to just get over him and move on that easily?

I wish I'd be just like all those other strong and practical people. Someone once told me, " never cry over someone who won't cry over you." That does sound really practical, but I can't help it. I still love him, and I still find it difficult to let go. :(... but I know I should.

Last night, the rain fell down as my tears flowed down from my eyes. A lot of thoughts entered my head like I deserve someone else, or I was just taken for granted; but after I read his previous messages in my phone (still couldn't erase the 433 messages stored in the folder.. :( ), I realized that he was indeed a really great boyfriend. I read his messages when I had problems with my family before, or when I got frustrated with my dad or with my schoolwork, and I felt his emotions in his messages. I did feel loved, and it hit me: am I willing to give up now in exchange to what we had before?

I know you might tell me that I'm getting too consumed by all this breakup crap. I still get to study don't worry. The other night I studied so hard for my Lit long test, and I think it paid off - hopefully I'll get a high mark for it.

Yesterday while I was waiting for my mom to pick me up, I sat down at the SEC bench, and found myself spacing out. Then my friend saw me, and he texted me afterwards asking if I were okay and that I looked sad. I didn't even realize how much my emotions show on my face until my friend asked me if I was okay. Awhile ago my blockmate Justin asked me if I cried and I asked him why. He told me my eyes were puffy. I try to conceal my sadness, but I guess people can still see right through me. I exert tremendous effort to smile, but my depression shows in my eyes. My older sister told me that lately I haven't been talking at home at all. I told her I don't feel like talking and she said that lately I never feel like talking. What's happening to me.. I can't control it..

Hopefully this weekend will bring me something good. He didn't reply to my offline message.. I don't know if he didn't check his YM or if he just chose not to reply. I checked his friendster out and his profile hasn't changed. Is it because he doesn't want to? Or is it because he's just lazy to change it? Wah my paranoia is killing me.. :(

apologies for the 3 missed entries

2005-08-09T17:25:00.000+08:00

I will admittingly say that last week, I wasn't able to post the 3 required entries.. It's because too much has transpired, that I didn't have time to go online and write about what has been happening to me. Let's recount, shall we:

SUNDAY-MONDAY last week: things were smooth sailing for the both of us. I thought we were back to normal already, and my hopes were lifted. The happiness I felt was different. I would always catch myself smiling, and instantly, my stress in school would be zapped away. I felt in myself that some big burden was finally lifted.. But then again, like what Forrest Gump's mother said: " Life is a box of chocolates- you'll never know what you're gonna get". It's true.. after those 3 days of bliss, my life suddenly shattered before my eyes.
TUESDAY was the final day of my blissful state. I received my math long test results, and I failed it by 6 points. I said goodbye to my dream of becoming a dean's lister, because I knew it was going to be impossible for me to reach the QPI of 3.35 - I don't think I can do it. So I decided to text him and let him know what happened. It felt good texting him again with my out-of-nowhere messages. I felt relieved and comforted. Then at 9pm, he called me up, and told me that his cellphone got stolen. Of course, the both of us were disappointed, and we knew it was going to be a challenge because that would mean that we wouldn't have any means of communication. It so happened that I ran out of net access, and he stayed late at school because he had nstp - so no phone calls, no text msgs, and no YM chats.
Wednesday til Friday - no phone calls. I called him up at his house at 9pm, but he wasn't home. Of course he couldn't call me either because he went home late, and he knew that I was already asleep. You have no idea how hard it was to not being able for me to hear his voice, even for just a second.
Saturday - we finally got to talk. We chatted through YM and he told me that if his class would be finished early, he would come over here at our house. True enough, he did arrive. I thought I was happy. I thought everything was back to normal. But there was something inside me that held me back from being happy, and I knew it was something bad, and it was something that we needed to talk about.
So at 930 pm, Sunday, I called him up. I asked him why it felt weird, when it wasn't supposed to be that way. I asked him why it was as if we were back to square one. He agreed. We realized that he started to drift apart.. that he started to be distant. He got too busy in school, and we both came to a conclusion that this wasn't the perfect time for us to have the relationship.
And there it was, right before me, my world started to crumble. 6 months of bliss turned into something that crushed my heart to pieces. My room suddenly filled with tears, as my hand gripped the phone harder. I couldn't breathe. It was as if everything was unreal, like I was in this nightmare, and I wanted to wake up so much. I kept on wishing that time would rewind and for a moment, I wished I hadn't met him at all. One of my worst fears had come to life -and that was to be hurt again, by someone whom I love dearly. Pictures of our moments together flashed in my head as he told me to promise him that I will be strong, and that I was a great girl, and any guy would be lucky to have me. I wanted him to stop, but I knew this was final. It's over - and that's that.
I texted the only person whom I could talk to, and that was his cousin. We talked until 3 in the morning. I cried all my emotions out. I knew that my sadness was incomparable to what my boyfriend felt about what happened. But make that "ex" boyfriend. I can't even say it aloud. It's like my heart is being punched everytime I had to say that word. I'm still struggling with the thought. I still can't accept it, even if I know that I have to. Something's telling me that this isn't over yet - but I don't know if this is God's way of talking to me.. or if it's just my depression playing with my head. I'm confused, and I don't know what to do. I know I'm still young and there are a lot out there.. That maybe he was just someone whom God gave me to teach me a lesson about life. But I just have this feeling that what we did was wrong. I don't know.
I slept at 330am.. I couldn't sleep.. I moved around my bed as I prayed so hard that I would be okay. When I fell asleep, I dreamt about what happened, and when I woke up, I felt the tears finding their way back onto my cheeks. I looked in the mirror and I looked like crap. My eyebags were all over the place, and my nose was red and blotchy. I stepped out of the room, and my mom asked me what happened. I embraced her and told her it was all over. Oh how I love my mom.. Her hug was so warm and comforting.
While taking a bath, I still cried. I never cried this much in my entire life. It hit me: so this was how breakups felt. Now I'm a member of that certain part in society wherein the people have "exes". I cried some more as I reminisced about all our times together. I knew - I wasn't going to have an easy time coping with this.
As I arrived in school, people asked me about "us", then I relayed to them the story. I found myself breaking down again: from the classroom, down to the caf, then in the car as I went home. When I arrived home, I cried again. Oh for heavens sake, I know it's full of drama, but cut me some slack: this is my first breakup, my first love, and my first boyfriend. It was my first time to feel the "he's the one" feeling. I really don't know what to think anymore.. :(
Today, I'm proud of myself that I didn't cry. I did feel depressed, but I actually found myself laughing again. Maybe it's the company of my friends that cheered me up? I really don't know. Yesterday, I slept at 4pm til 12 midnight, and at 12midnight til 3am, I was just online. I still couldn't change my profile in friendster, nor could I resist not talking to him. So I left him an offline message through YM saying how much I miss him, and that everything just felt so wrong. I'm scared now if he's gonna reply to it, or if he's gonna call me about it. It just seems to me like he's gonna have an easy time getting over me and that he could easily divert his attention from the breakup to his studies. I keep on wondering though what he feels right now and how he's coping with everything. Gosh breakups are so hard.

The ironic thing about everything was when the time came that my mom started to like him, and my mom started to trust us already, things just got screwed up. We never fought, but look where it got us.

I don't know what's gonna happen. I just try to be optimistic. If we are really meant to be together, then fate will find a way to bring us back. I just can't imagine myself being with someone else (eeww mushy alert hehe).. I know I'm still young and I'll meet a lot of people in the future, but I just don't want to miss this chance. It's not everyday that you get to meet an extremely special person - someone who would love you dearly and would tell you that you look great even if you smell of sweat already. I know what we had is something that I won't and can't just throw away.. I still don't want to give up.. But I guess he did.

2005-08-07T20:36:00.000+08:00

the ever-so-helpful ynigo ;)

2005-08-07T13:06:00.000+08:00

fourettes plus kevin haha :)

2005-08-07T13:04:00.000+08:00

at nan's house :)

2005-08-07T12:51:00.000+08:00

fourettes! - mye, anna, nan, me :)

2005-08-07T12:42:00.000+08:00

chinx, me, and reb at school :)

2005-08-07T12:32:00.000+08:00

mye and I at the caf :)

2005-08-07T12:29:00.000+08:00

gene and I at the caf :)

2005-08-07T12:11:00.000+08:00

me and yas at sbc :)

almost.. but not quite

2005-07-30T23:54:00.000+08:00

Awhile ago, I thought a part of my life was going to be over. I'd like to keep this entry short, since it's a very private thing.. but let's just say that I decided to let go of something, but a person stopped me from doing so. I started to reminisce and I could have filled a whole bucket with tears. I never knew it would be that hard.. good thing I was stopped. So for 15 minutes, I thought my life would be completely different, but it turns out, my life right now is exactly what I want. Hopefully what happened would make us stronger, and would make us realize how much worth each person has.

written while i was depressed - july 29th

2005-07-29T23:44:00.000+08:00

I miss debating so much. When the time came that I chose music over debate, everything fell down. I'm left here alone sitting on the depressing yellow benches along the SEC walk, and I listen intently to the conversations that echo across me. And the voices just so happen to be blurting out stuff about debate : my passion for four years when I was in high school - and a passion that I regrettingly tried to forget because I thought my singing voice would be heard and appreciated by others. I tried conditioning myself that joining the ADS would ruin my studies, that it would strip my social life to pathetic little pieces. No wonder everything felt so wrong. How could I have been stupid enough to believe that I can never debate anymore?

I knew I wasn't that all good like Bobby Benedicto or someone like him, but I also was at the same time. I knew I hated the feeling of thinking of what to say, but I knew that speaking and working under pressure was my passion. I walked away from something, thinking that other people would see my talent in singing. And now I feel stupidly invisible, as if I'm back in high school, where everyone knew I knew how to sing, but they never openly acknowledged me for it.

And now I feel alone. I feel like I am back to nothingess and it feels like crap. I miss talking in front of people. I feel empty, so incomplete, as if something's ultimately missing. I feel like no one cares, like I'm just spam lying around in some popular university. I feel like a part of me is missing, like I'll never be good enough. I feel worthless. I chose music over something that I have been openly doing for four straight years, and where do I find myself? In a committee where all I can do is write, and my dream of being heard by a live audience is nowhere to be found.

AMP only chose one solo roster. I felt bad after seeing that piece of white bond paper that was stapled to the board - and my name wasn't there. I guess that's how life is: you win some, you lose some.

* I wrote this on a pieve of paper while I was waiting for my mom to fetch me. It was around 6:30pm, after my GA of the LFC advertising and PR.. Pretty dramatic huh? But I guess this is how I've been feeling since June..

adventures with the fourettes (plus 1) :)

2005-07-28T22:20:00.000+08:00

One of the very few things that's keeping me sane in school right now is my newly-formed barkada in college :) We call ourselves the Fantastic Fourettes, but I think it's now cut short to Fourettes instead :) We are namely: Anna, Mye, Nan, and Me of course :) If I remember correctly I was the one who thought of the name. I was with Nan during our break time at the Media Literacy talk thingy held in school, and I was kidding around the names that we could call our so-called group. Then it so happens that I was going to watch Fantastic Four after the talk, so I thought about calling ourselves the Fantastic Fourettes (the ettes part coz we're all girls :D ). And so the Fourettes was born. :)

Every Tuesdays and Thursdays, the four of us eat lunch outside of school, usually at Kenny Rogers.. We call it sometimes Tuesdays with Kenny :) Teehee. And everytime we go out, it suddenly starts to rain.. and yes, we always get wet no matter what we do. The great thing about our group is we don't exclude other people, and we could be ourselves..with no pretensions. We never had a hard time opening up to each other, and I guess I've never really felt like home in Ateneo since I met these wonderful people. =)

Awhile ago, I only had one class, and that was Filipino. There was a mass for St. Ignatius during our math class, and naturally, I wasn't able to wake up in time for it :) So anyway, after our Fil class, we Fourettes decided to crash at Nan's place coz we had 4 hours left before the play's gonna start. So the four of us, plus Kevin, the bestfriend of Anna, drove to Nan's place. We got there around almost 5pm, and we jammed :D Nan played the piano and we all sang with her. It was super fun. :) Afterwards we ate baked mac (which was really good by the way), and around 6:30, we all went back to school. :)

Kevin didn't watch the play with us coz he had to go home. We all checked out the SOM building, coz it looks really nice at night, even took pictures! Haha.. When we watched the play (it was for Fil.. it was named Palapalapag..or something like that), there was a scene there that the guy was going to throw water at the girl.. and lucky us, we were the ones who got wet! :) As in the four of us lang.. We sat at the front kasi, at the right side.. We heard that people on the front left side were the ones who were gonna get wet.. but I guess our sources were wrong.. Front RIGHT pala :D hehe.. But it was fun.. Another adventure for us Fourettes! :)

Wuhoo I love you guys!

wuhoo yeah!

2005-07-24T01:14:00.000+08:00

I know I'm hellishly sleepy, but I will try my best to write a decent entry :D

Awhile ago, I watched two films at the UP Film Center namely: Mansyon, and Pepot Artista (hey miss maramara! hehe). I waited in line with Paolo, my english blockmate, together with his friend Marco. Gosh it was so cold inside the theater! The films ended at 10:30, then afterwards Monique, Paolo, and I went to Dencios to have dinner (and semi inuman session? :D ). After a few minutes, Rich and Ynigo arrived :D Heehee.. Kilig to the bones! :) Haha.. Let's just say he was really sweet that night :)

Tonight was pretty interesting for me :D I drank san mig light (don't worry, I only drank three-fourths of it, knowing I have low tolerance in alcohol :D ), then everyone else forced me to drink my first ever tequila shot! Hehe.. So this night was memorable, not only because I was with great people, but because it was my first time to drink tequila :D Let's just say I had my usual redness and headache after drinking :D Oh and yes, I told my mom :) Teehee..

Hey, there's always a first time for everything :D

As much as I want to create a longer and a more detailed entry, my head is killing me.. cheerios everyone :)

july 21st :)

2005-07-21T21:08:00.000+08:00

I woke up with his text message: Happy Monthsary Hunny bunny =) Unfortunately, I was still pathetically loadless, I replied to him lunch time na :D Hehe. I dressed up in my well.. most thought-about outfit today :D I wore my new pink tank top, with my all-time favorite skirt :D I brought with me the coffee tumbler that I bought for him (you gotta be proud of me.. I made the background and pics myself! :D ).

But before all the happy happenings... we first had to go through the most difficult math long test we've ever answered. It was really depressing afterwards! All our brains were squished, and we all wanted to curse math. To relieve ourselves of depression, my blockmates and I had lunch our McDo, where we drowned all our sorrows in french fries and burgers. What a slight relief.

Oh yeah, yesterday I checked out the amp board.. sad to say my name wasn't there.. :( they only took one solo roster waaah :( Oh well

After my last class, I went to SBC, praying that we would meet up. Seeing him would be the only thing that can relieve my frustrations the whole day :D hihi.. Alas he told me he was on the way.. Yipeeee! :) I was so happy..

I fell asleep while waiting.. then tamang-tama as I opened my eyes, there he was in his corporate attire *yikeee* haha. :) I gave him my gift, and we decided (me, rich, and my older sister) to have dinner at Celeb. :)

So there.. to cut the story short, it was a great monthsary. It's actually our first time to have a date on the day of our monthsary. =) Well that's that.. I'm just happy :D Wuhoo 6 months! :)

manic monday

2005-07-18T23:05:00.000+08:00

Last night was pretty weird.. We talked again, and for some reason, by the way he talked during our conversation, somehow he got better. I do hope it's a good sign :)

Had my physics long test.. It was pretty average I guess.. I don't think I got the second problem though haha. Oh yeah before this, I met up with Ynigo again. We had lunch at Tapa King - dig this, it was my first time to eat at tapa king. How pathetic right? I never felt so full in the longest time =)

After Physics, I went to SBC again to hang out with his cousin until my ninong and ate arrived. I went home so tired. I don't know what it is with college life. Even if I only had few classes today, it was as if my brain was driving me nuts. :(

Then my family and I ate dinner at Glorietta. Gosh, it's been exactly a year since I've been back to this place. We ate at Mangan, and lemme just say, if you don't like eating a lot, this is the place for you. ;) hehe.. We went back up to my ninong's hotel room. Of course I ended up falling asleep again, then afterwards it was home for us.

Wuhoo. Boy am I tired. =)

yay

2005-07-16T23:50:00.000+08:00

Funny how the days pass by really fast. Next thing I know, I'm studying yet again for another long test.. This time it's for Physics. Yech. Makes me think why the heck I took Physics?! I could've gotten Zoology instead :( Animals are fun! Oh man.. Haha..

Thursday and Friday were pretty relative days for me.. Nothing really special happened.. Oh well, I failed my practical in table tennis miserably [but when I was practicing I was so good! haha], but good thing my teacher was sooo nice, he'll give us another chance this coming friday. Hooray for me. =)

Tonight was pretty interesting I have to say. I dressed up in my gypsy-ish costume for my blockmate's debut. :) I picked up my other blockmate on the way, and when we arrived, he texted! Whoophee! Anyway.. the debut went relatively well :) It was fun addressing a short birthday message to Anna even if I only knew her for a month. We even got to have glittery tattoo thingies done on our backs. I, on the other hand, have to sleep on my belly, so that my tattoo thing won't smudge and run off. =( Goodbye comfy position, hello stiff neck! :s I hung out with:

Gene, Justin, Xela, Idel, and Vane =) We were all dressed up [although Idel was so pasaway!], even got lost in Marikina while bringing Xela home haha.. What a night =)

Hopefully next week would be better for me..

*Crossing fingers.. bowing down*

hmm..right

2005-07-13T23:09:00.000+08:00

In a span of 2 weeks, a lot has transpired already. Today I met up with his cousin to talk things over. That was the first time I laughed so hard since the start of the whole problem thing. We hung out at Seattle's Best during my 3-hour break, and neither one of us could decipher what to do. Neither of us knew what the real problem was..

Until tonight..

He just called me up. And boy was I sooo surprised. He finally explained everything to me. I don't know if I'm gonna be happy, or if I'm gonna be depressed again..but it felt so good to finally hear his voice after so long. You know that feeling? When you miss someone it hurts already? Ugh I hate it.. Of course, the waterworks was turned on to semi-full blast tonight..but at least things got clarified. I actually almost let him go. But when he asked me, "you're letting me go?"... I couldn't do it. Frick.

No, no.. Don't worry, this doesn't affect my studies at all.. In fact, I find it easier to study. What it's affecting is how I'm eating. There are times when I just find myself staring blankly, then feeling full without even eating anything. I know it's stupid to let these things affect you in some way, but hey, I'm just human.

audition time

2005-07-11T21:40:00.000+08:00

Got sick today.. Hellish I must say. I cut English class, went down to the infirmary, and took my test in LIT during the latter part of the day. I don't know what happened to me. I think the doctor thought I was pregnant or something. Thank goodness I had my period! Or else! Haha. I know I have nothing to worry about.. But by the way the doctor asked me: You feel dizzy? Do you have your period? I was like.. YES! Hahaha.. Funny..

11:45: crucial time for me. I waited anxiously as the AMP people started piling up. So this is how an audition feels - like a serious audition. It was my first time to sing in front of people whom I really didn't know at all. I sang Cool with You and My Immortal, and hopefully I did well. My voice was shaking! And boy, was my throat dry. I don't know how I got through with it. My blockmate told me I did well.. Hopefully he's clairvoyant. Haha.

After Physics, I texted Ynigo and told him my audition was over. It feels good that someone believes in you. I also got my blockmates' support so thanks you guys! :)

Crossing my fingers until the results are up. *bowing down*

holding on to an impossible dream

2005-07-09T14:55:00.000+08:00

Right now, I feel so empty, as if there's a big hole inside of me. I caught myself crying the moment my eyes opened up this morning. My head was spinning, and a question just suddenly popped into my head - can I still do this?

Lately, things have been different. I don't know if this is just a phase that couples really undergo.. but I have to admit, I am starting to have a hard time dealing with it. He's changing into someone I don't know. It's as if the person I knew 5 months ago is a little bit lost.. a little bit harder to reach. A part of me honestly wants to let go, so that I should save myself from more emotional turmoil, but a bigger part of me is screaming that I should stay because everything's gonna work out in the end. I feel so lost. So alone. I feel the tears flowing from my eyes are just pointless even if he finds out about them. We had a "date" last night, but a part of me still felt alone. There were points where it seemed as if we were back to normal, but there were points too where he was distant. He was different. But I still choose to love him.. Why? I don't know. Maybe that's the stupid thing about love. Even if your heart wants to let go, it still holds on to this impossible dream. It still holds on to this hurting feeling.

The thought of him having an easy time letting go scares me to death. He did tell me just awhile ago that he is still happy with me.. but how come he seldoms says that he loves me or he seldom calls me hunny bunny? [okay so the secret's out hehe]. I don't know if this is paranoia catching up with me, or if this is something that I should be taking seriously. It's as if the spark that he used to have with me is nowhere to be found. I can't feel it sometimes. I don't know what I'm going to do anymore... Oh god please help me.

tiring day

2005-07-07T15:13:00.000+08:00

Today's the 4th day of the week, and boy am I hella glad that I don't have classes for tomorrow. Everyday I go home exhausted, but come to think of it, I haven't been doing a lot lately . Is it the walking that's tiring me? Or is it the tendency of my brain to have information overload or something. Whatever it is, sometimes I'm not liking it.

The weather hasn't been easy on everyone as well. If it's not raining cats and dogs, it's so hot, as if everyone was crammed inside a huge oven. Today, the air was so humid, that it caused me a headache. I think I have a migraine right now.. Ugh.

Awhile ago, I submitted my forms for the Loyola Film Circle and for AMP. I thought my troubles were over, but no. I still have to undergo interviews and my audition for amp is going to be held on Monday. I'm really nervous.. It's gonna be my first time to sing in front of people whom I really don't know. I do hope they'll like me, and that I'd be able to pass as a roster. :s WAaahhHHH.. I'm really nervous. This is how I felt when I used to debate before.. Wahahaha.. I don't know what's gonna happen to moi. :s

Hopefully this weekend my laziness won't kick in. =p I have a long test on Monday for LIT and I have to practice singing. Oh gawd help me..

the beauty of free cuts

2005-07-04T13:10:00.000+08:00

Today was a pretty OK day for me :) It started off with English, which went pretty well at least :) We had to sketch Ivan Dy, and I think my drawing sucked bigtime! Haha.. Well my blockmate Carlo thought that it was pretty amusing anyway :) I so suck at drawing people :D

Afterwards, we had LIT where we had our reporting. I think it went relatively well [hopefully!]. Then , Miss Maramara gave back our quizzes from last week.. and I couldn't believe it.. I got my first A ever in a quiz this college! Yipeee! I guess studying for hours for that quiz paid off a lot. Yay. :)

Then we had INTACT afterwards - got dismissed pretty early as well.

I'm supposed to be in my Physics class right now, but we had free cut! Wuhoo! I was so energized afterwards. :) Although the sucky part was that I had to walk back and forth in the rain [the disadvantages of not having an umbrella.. frick]. I don't know what I'm gonna do afterwards, but I just felt the need to express how happy I am right now hehehe. :)

+elise+

sighs

2005-07-02T13:30:00.000+08:00

Things aren't really what they seem. Just when you thought that you have everything figured out, something catches you off guard, and you are placed in a situation wherein you really wouldn't know which line of action to take. Just as when you seem so sure that your life was going the way you wanted it to, something happens. I, myself, am admitting to be a victim of this.

I used to be this extremely idealistic person, and when I say idealistic - I mean really idealistic. If I could list down all my principles on a sheet of paper, I know it wouldn't be enough. I thought this was the perfect way to go. I thought I had everything figured out. I used to believe that taking risks was a stupid move. I was a spontaneous person, but when it came down to love, or things like that, I hated taking risks. I always had to be sure. If I could jot down every move that I have to take, I would most probably do that. I knew taking a risk would be committing the biggest mistake of all.

Who knew November would make a drastic change in my life? It's funny how one person can do all these things to you: make you feel sad, happy, "floaty", and all other emotions all at the same time. Who ever thought that in a span of 5 months, a lot of things can happen so instantly. It's as if my life is in this fast-forwarded pace, and I find myself not being able to keep up sometimes. Who knew love would play a big part in my life at such an early stage in my life. I'm sure I didn't.

After reflecting about things, I realized, that one of the bravest things that a person can do is to love, not knowing if it would be a long-lasting relationship. I never thought that a person whom I've only known for 7 months would teach me a lot of things that no one has taught me before. That one person taught me how to love truly, how to extend my patience until it reaches this God-knows-what length, how to be this understanding person whom I never thought I could be, and this one person taught me how to love myself. It's the first time I've ever encountered someone who would see me like no one has ever seen me before.

So, you, you know who you are. Thank you for being a part of my life. What you're going through right now is just a stage, and you know that I am always here to back you up.

So, the thing I'm saying about me not being a risk-taker? I take that back. Not being a risk-taker would make me a hypocrite. I'm proud to take risks - because that's what brave people do: they take a risk, not knowing if it's going to hurt them, or if it's going to make their life perfect - just the way my life is right now: it's imperfectly perfect, and I couldn't ask for more.

fridays :)

2005-07-01T21:56:00.000+08:00

Contrary to what I wrote the past week, I think I'll stop dreading fridays now =) Just when I thought my day was going to end miserably, it didn't! The whole morning, I was really exhausted, but surprisingly, I had a not-so-difficult time in answering my Lit quiz - this is definitely a first to remember. Then afterwards, my Physics class and Lab went surprisingly OK.. which is totally weird by the way. Then I attended the cheer rally.. Oh gosh.. how hot it was. Afterwards, my blockmates, Justin and Gene walked with me to go to Seattle's Best again.. I also met my Holy friends on the way! (Cai, Racine, and Ria!! :) When we were approaching SBC, I saw a similar green Mitsubishi Adventure with the plate number XAK 524... My heart stopped.. I went over to the car and I saw Mang Roy.. Oh lord.. He's here! I hurriedly went inside the shop and next thing I knew, my old perky smile was back on my face again =) I was so touched coz he surprised me.. I didn't know that he was going to be there.. I asked him why he came over, and he said, he just wanted to see me.. Oh heck.. love is such a powerful thing.. my exhaustion, my frustrations that day.. they were all erased the moment I saw him.. I suddenly forgot how hot it was outside, or how disheveled my hair looked, or how sweaty my arms were.. I just suddenly saw Me and Him in - and that was it.. even if that feeling lasted for one second - it was still priceless, and definitely a memory that would be very hard to erase =)

So what about fridays? Oh I think they're perfect :)

college life - just a few thoughts

2005-06-30T23:41:00.000+08:00

I've always had this assumption that college life would be so much better than highschool.. that once you're in college, you'll be meeting more mature people, and people wouldn't really care about how you dress, how you talk, or how you carry yourself. Basically I thought that college would be this incredible high that I wouldn't be able to get over with. I THINK I'M WRONG.

As of now, my freshman year is almost exactly like highschool.. people are still immature, some even think they're extremely cool by excluding themselves from the group, or whatever. I'd even thought that people won't start caring about other people.. But I guess I was wrong again. People have been acting as if they were still in highschool. Like this whole thing is one big soiree or party that everyone should act according to what society expects of them. It's like up to now people are still wearing masks in order for others to not see what is concealed behind those smiles. It's been almost a month that I've been going to school here, and I have only chosen an extreme few whom I can classify as genuine and real people.

Right now, I am not in the high point of my life. My sister and I have been having some conflicts lately, my relationship needs a breather [not to worry, everything's still all good :)], my subjects have been more demanding, and I'm still in a rut, trying to figure out if my brain has really been deteriorating. Again, I don't know if this is one big hormonal imbalance that's happening to me right now, but lately I have just been this irritatingly paranoid and "feeling stupid" person. First up: I think I'm mentally challenged already. It's like I left my brain somewhere, and up to now, I can't find it. :( As much as I don't want this entry to be depressing, I think it will be gearing towards that emotion. It's been only awhile ago that I really got to pour out my heart to him. I just hope everything's all good now and that what we decided to do is all for the best. I'm just scared you know? Who knew at this point in my life, I'd be going through all these emotional mumba-jumbas. :s Oh well.. And now I'm thinking Ateneo might not be the school for me. I'm thinking maybe it was more demanding than I could have ever imagined. I don't think I'm that fully equipped yet. Gah. I really need some serious whaphaking. :(

The only upside that I have seen from all these is that I have really valued my faith in God a lot. For some reason, I think I've been getting my strength from Him lately. I don't know. I can't explain it, but that's just how I feel. I just never realized that at this point in my life, things would be this difficult. I just hope that my faith is strong enough to help me overcome these problems of mine.

friday madness

2005-06-24T21:28:00.000+08:00

Normally, people never dread fridays.. It's supposed to be the most exciting part of the week because people get to go out afterwards. It's the day of the week [apart from saturdays] that people love to go out, have a night out with some friends, and get home wasted afterwards right? I'm different. Since my stay here in Ateneo, I've been dreading fridays. Actually, I'm practically starting to hate it :( Okay, physics is a little bit boring, but my physics lab is worse. My groupmates are all guys, and they make me feel soo inferior. I know they're all smart, knowing they came from a really good school, but the way they assert themselves, makes me feel that I'm simply just the girl in their group.. like some accessory, or even worse, a liability. This is the main reason why I hate fridays [apart from the fact that I only have 2 30-minute breaks]. They're not really friendly, they made me do the lab report, and one even asked me if I knew how to solve tangents! Hello??!?! I wouldn't pass 3rd year if I didn't know how to do simple trigonotmetric calculations. :( *breathe* Ugh.. I felt really bad afterwards.. Then I went to Seattle's best again to meet up with my sister.. Turns out, after venting out my feelings [oh yeah, my table tennis classmate was also the "making me inferior type".. she (wait make classmates) and he told me like: ayusin mo grip mo.. or something like that.. it's starting to hit a nerve :) haha], she texted Rich.. To the rescue! He called me up instantly and asked me if I was okay.. Naturally, after putting the phone down, I felt better.. that bastard haha I don't know how he does it :D Oh well.. I'm just hoping I could show those people that I'm not some bimbo or airhead or whatever. I'm ready to take a challenge! :D [yeah, call me competitive.. but I just hate it when people make me feel inferior.. it's not the best feeling in the world]. :D

yay

2005-06-23T22:00:00.000+08:00

Everyday, things start to get tougher for me. This is what I have been dreading.. Tougher homework, and lesser time for sleeping and lazy moods. Rar. Today was a happy day for me :) Well I had my usual classes [math and filipino], but Filipino was pretty interesting :) Haha. Sir Lopez presented us with a poem that was about people's sexual drives. It was pretty funny because we started talking about horses and stuff. Haha. It was really amusing. He does know our "funny bones" *wink wink*. Haha. At first I thought he was going to be a little bit boring, but I guess my impression was wrong. :) He's actually pretty nice, and he's really good - well that's what I think at least. After Filipino, it was dismissal time. I met up with my sophomore friend at the Zen Garden, because he was nice enough to give me his copy of his math diagnostic test last year. :) [thanks Jag!]. Afterwards, we walked all the way to Seattle's Best katipunan because I was going to meet with my barkada! :) After 30 minutes of waiting, my friends started to arrive. First up were Kim and Angel and oh gosh, how I missed them a lot! Afterwards my bestfriends Yas and Jules [with Gino and Enzo] arrived. We hung out, laughed [ a lot actually :D ], ate, shared stories and stuff.. It was great to be finally "home". :) I mean, my atenean friends are great, but "iba pa rin ang high school friends". :) With them, I don't have to worry if I'm overdoing something, or if I'm doing something wrong. I can really comfortable with them and stuff. Sadly, they all had to go home after an hour, but it felt reallllyyyy good spending some time with them :) Well anyway, that's that.. tomorrow's friday, and I can't wait for the weekend =) here's a pic by the way of me and my barkada at Seattle's Best coffee :)

pictures from not so long ago :)

2005-06-20T18:47:00.000+08:00

After first day of ORSEM :) - June 7th

My english blockmates Carlo and Erika :)

It's my ate's boyfriend, Kuya Mark! :)

A semi-surprise visit from him - June 10th :)

woah

2005-06-20T17:30:00.000+08:00

I can't believe it's been a while since I've written something here. I guess being in college means I have less time for these kinds of things.. Tomorrow's the 21st, so that means we've been going out for 5 months now.. I can't believe we've lasted this long haha. :) So yey, happy for me I guess.

The past few weeks have been sort of a blur. Things just happened so fast, I didn't even realize it until now that I've been going to school for at least two weeks - how fast time flies! Gawd.. Well basically last week's highglights were pretty much the following:

It was mom's birthday last saturday, June 11th :) yey happy birthday mom! We ate out at PowerPlant and got home pretty tired coz it was my guidance test earlier that day [which for me is slightly pointless haha.. grar oh well].
He sort of surprised me last June 10th after my enrolment. He just suddenly texted me that he was going to come over.. It was a good thing that I was still dressed up and everything :) Hehe..
Last week was pretty hectic for me. It was my first week as a college student [yes, I'm officially an Atenean Freshie.. so surreal..] and I had to walk around campus and stuff looking like I hadn't taken a bath or something. It was fun though, meeting all sorts of interesting professors [some as if the blackboard was his student.. he was the only one who could understand the lesson.. hopefully everything turns out well anyway] and doing all sorts of "responsibility" crap haha.. At least I finally get the taste of independence that I have been yearning for for the past I don't know years.

I love my blockmates! They're the best. We eat lunch together and walk around together as if we were playing Follow the Leader or something. It's great that I didn't have a hard time trying to fit in the group. Although there have been some "intrigues" about me and my blockmate, it's all good. Haha.. There's no malice whatsoever so it's okay :) It just so happens that we both found each other's company enjoyable and intellectually-stimulating =)

Friday was also a very good day [yes, this June 17th]. :) He went to Seattle's Best Coffee to meet up with me. He knew I was tired and that I wanted to go home already, so he called up my mom and asked if he could take me home. My mom miraculously said yes! So we went home, they [Rich and my mom] ended up talking, then we hung out until 8 pm. It's great how we still find time [even though it's only once a week that we get to meet up] even though we're busy and extremely tired. It's also great that after 5 months, my mom finally likes him..such a big relief. It really means a lot to me knowing that my mom has developed this certain degree of trust for him [and me of course]. =) Yipee..

I kinda feel weird though.. maybe because I'm not yet super used to the fact that things have been busier than usual and I'm expected to do so well in college. I am kind of feeling the pressure.. and maybe what's bothering me is the fact that we're both going to be busy and we won't avoid the fact that there will be times that we won't be able to converse with each other properly.. or the fact that everyone else in this house will be pretty busy.. I just can't believe how fast things are happening.. I think I'm kinda being left behind for some reason.. Haha.. I know I'm getting pretty weird.. Oh well.. Maybe it's just this hormonal imbalance that I'm experiencing right now? I don't know.. Oh sod it.. :) I'm not making much sense now haha..

Laterz.. when I start making sense again maybe haha :)